The Detour to My Bump

When I look back on my life, I can promise you, I always had a clear vision of becoming a mom. I wasn’t always sure what I wanted to ‘be’ when I grew up, but having the mom title was a must and was something I never questioned. Borrowing a bump from someone, however, was not in my plans. Not even a thought.

Borrowing a bump was actually, at one point, my biggest fear. There was no way I could/would ever trust another woman to take care of my baby, and I sure as heck was not interested in not being part of that “pregnant club,” where moms chat about the feeling of kicks, nausea, child birth and loving a child from the inside out. I would definitely want to do that. Child birth stories scare me, but I’ve always known that joy of meeting your first child must be greater than the pain, because it seems most people continue to have a second. I would definitely want two or three, and I knew that pain would be worth it. I actually just couldn’t wait till I could join my friends in that club. I never realized that my time in that club would be such a short stay. A very short lived dream, ending in heart ache.

From that point on, I put my heart and soul into getting back into that club. Each moment of my days, I did all that I could to help myself get back. My obsession was fierce, my passion immense. And each time one of my doctors would mention surrogacy, it made me want to fight even harder to get back in. I gave it my everything. I did all that I could, but I never did get back into that place I wanted to be. I would never get to carry my child.

I had no idea where my turning point would be, and looking back, I can see the days that my heart started to change. I was growing through my pain and heart ache. I entered a new chapter in my book and was scared out of my mind. But, this chapter would end up going down as the most amazing, proud, happy, thankful, grateful chapter. This is where my story turned. And, I took the road less traveled into surrogacy.

So many times in life, we try and try and try. And, no matter what, we just cannot succeed. We learn as children, that if you put your heart to something, you will succeed. That’s not true at all. How many times in life are we told no? We want something so badly, but God says no. And, at the time, we are furious. But, what we need to realize is that he truly has something amazing planned for each of us. Even in our hardest moments, there is purpose. Even if this hurt doesn’t change your own life, you surely are changing someone else’s life. Someone is watching. Someone is learning. Someone is changing. Someone is growing. All because of your pain. He truly does use us for this.

I’ve realized, lately, more than ever, that my story is impacting others. I had many days where I was completely knocked down, and lost the fight by a mile. But I kept standing as tall as I could. Somedays my steps were slower than other days, but I always moved forward. And, I’m so glad I did. Had I given up, I wouldn’t be gearing up to meet my sweet baby boy. I could have said, “enough,” and stopped the fight. But I didn’t. I accepted another path. It has been one of the best decisions we have ever made. This has been the hardest journey I’ve yet to experience, but now is the most incredible adventure I’ve seen.

And, I do believe this is how life is. It’s hard, it’s unfair and you will be thrown more curve balls than you hope. But, it’s absolutely beautiful. We are all going to have so many wonderful times, but we will each get knocked down. What will you do when you get knocked down? Will you stop and give up? Will you keep going? Will you accept another option/path? I hope you do. Because, often, what’s on the other side, will be the most breathtaking view you may ever see.

2 thoughts on “The Detour to My Bump

  1. Betsy

    Ashley
    What a lovely journal entry. You certainly tried hard to avoid this road you are now on.
    As your bossy older sister..I once pushed Surrocacy when you were in Lone Tree at CCRM…
    I knew pretty much after that suggestion that I needed to back off because you were so determined to try yourself..even against all odds. It took YOU to decide to go this route..it was a brave decision…and I admire you so much for choosing this path. It was destined to be Amy..and knowing you did all you could yourself..I’m very excited for you that you have found such happiness in your choice. Surrocacy is an incredible science..but more so..an incredible gift.
    You did choose ” the road less travelled” and that most certainly ” has made all the difference.” Love ya Sister !
    Betsy

    Like

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