Another Borrowed Bump

On By TheBorrowedBump9 Comments

A few weeks ago a coworker commented to me on my “perfect life,” especially giving me grief on my mushy anniversary post on social media. Not that I owe this to anyone, but man, I feel like I’m a fairly open book, and I often admit that my life is not perfect. That being said, I LOVE my life, my family and those in my circle. I do believe that I have the best husband out there, and I feel spoiled and lucky every day. And some days, I feel like it’s wrong of me to admit that. Like it’s bad to admit how happy I am. How lucky I am. How BLESSED I am. I am not sure if I ever have been this happy. But you better believe, our life is far from perfect. In fact, we have been fighting some big monsters once again.

We have definitely been quiet about our fertility struggles this past year. I can’t explain why, it just seems harder to share this time around. I guess I feel a little guilty, whenever I am sad, because I don’t want to miss out on the joy we are also experiencing with Brigham. Our first journey was long and grueling, but my blogging helped a ton! We started feeling better once we were out there and open. Even on our rough days. We had an army of support and could feel the prayers from miles away. When I look back to those dark days, it’s the people that kept us going. Well, and obviously our love and support for each other. That was the biggest part. But having you all on our side; that was fantastic. I always wanted to inspire people, and I truly felt like I was making a difference in the world by sharing our pain. So here we go. Again.

When it comes to trying for baby #2, it’s been rough and we have been faced with more challenges than we expected. I really thought our fertility days were behind us. When we were matched with Amy, we all agreed, as long as things go well, we four would do a sibling project for baby #2. So, when Amy was pregnant with Brigham, I continued to do more rounds of IVF, and we stopped once we had three frozen, chromosomally normal babies. We had one girl, and two boys, and we just knew at least one would become our child on Earth. We were wrong. One by one we transferred to sweet Angel Amy, and one by one we failed. Those sweet babies weren’t meant to make it here, but we know they are safe in Heaven, and we are keeping Grandpa Gary’s lap very full. One day we will meet those sweet babes, along with the other ones we have lost, but not on this side of life. They were just too perfect for this world.

Our last fail was in December, and we got the news on Dave’s birthday, the day before Christmas. This year on Christmas Eve my tears were filled with great emotion, both happy and sad. On one hand, I was devastated that we didn’t have success. On the greater hand, I had the most beautiful child, MY child, on my lap, seeing Christmas and all of his firsts. It’s just what we always wanted, to share the beauty of Christmas with our child, and that’s exactly what we were doing. He took all of it in, as he does every day. The candles sparkling during silent night, and the bright look in his eyes, reminded me that it really is well with my soul. I wiped the sad tears away, and let the happy ones continue to flow. It IS well with my soul. We’ve done this before, and we I’ll do it again. And back into God is where we will put our trust.

So, while I will admit, I feel like the second struggle doesn’t “hurt” as deeply, it still hurts. I did promise myself at the beginning of this, that I would not let this affect our happiness or steal any joy from our hearts or away from Brigham. That was our main goal. And, while we have stuck to that goal pretty well, the challenges are still painful. And I sure have had my rough days. We want our fertility days to be over, but we also want to add to our family, so we will continue.

We could not be happier with watching Brigham grow, and we love being a family of three! But our hearts long for one more to add to this family. We want Brigham to have a sibling, and we feel like our family would be complete. It is really hard for me to write this, on THIS side (as a Mom to a two year old) of things. I worry that people will think, “how can she not feel complete, she got everything she wanted.” “Can’t she just be happy and move on.”  I wont lie, the guilt of wanting more is immense. BUT the joy is so good, we want to add even more. And if you don’t understand where I’m coming from, that is okay, too.

I just wrapped up my second IVF cycle of 2019, and will start another one in a few weeks. We do have embryos frozen, but would like to create more. We recently found out that sweet Amy has a medical diagnoses of Adenomyosis, something none of us were familiar with until last week. Adenomyosis can cause issues with implantation in the uterus. This may or may not be the reason for the three fails, so we have all agreed that we would take the advice from three Reproductive Endocrinologists and find another gestational carrier. If you know us at all, you know how tough this decision is for us. It’s like breaking up with someone you’re madly in love with. Someone that’s done you no wrong; your hero. But, as parents, don’t we all want to do all that we can to keep our children safe? That’s our responsibility. That’s why we are using a surrogate in the first place. To help our children arrive here safely. So, here we go!

We are back to the drawing board to find our next carrier. We are still signed up with our amazing agency, but we are also open to finding someone on our own, if that happens first! I had several people tell me that they knew someone, that knew someone that was a surrogate before, while we were expecting Brigham. If you know someone that has this on their heart, please have them contact me at theborrowedbump@gmail.com

Amy is also open to chatting with anyone that may be considering this. I think it’s safe to speak for her and say, her side of the journey was just as amazing as ours. ❤️ Our relationship with Amy will never change. She will always be our hero and the one that helped us become parents. But now we are praying for another hero as well to help us complete our family, and help Brigham’s sibling arrive here safely. I cant reiterate how blessed we feel, and how happy we are, but we would absolutely love to fill this house with even more joy.

Thanks for supporting us on our journey. And thanks for helping to bring us joy.
Family Brigham BlogJOY

Perfectly Ours. Forever.

On By TheBorrowedBump3 Comments

 

 

 

I witnessed the greatest miracle of my life on June 4th, 2017. One day after my last post in which I thought we would become parents four days later. Once again, God had other plans.

June 3rd was what we call a ‘Top Ten Day.’ It was perfect. After I wrote my post, Amy and I went and got pedicures, and enjoyed some, much needed, quiet girl time. It was nice to get away and just be friends. We shared lots of laughs, and I still laugh when I think of how cute/silly she is when someone comments on her pregnant belly. She would always just point to me, as if not to take the credit for that sweet baby she’s growing. We would laugh, later, wondering what others thought with her gesture. It’s not everyday that someone carries someone’s baby.

Dave and I then went to Robby and Amy’s house. We surprised them by showing up in Packers gear, and we got some good smiles out of that. The kids were excited to have us out, again, and we just hung out all day. We absolutely love their house, where they have so much beautiful land and amazing views. The kids got tons of attention from us all day and night, which we all loved. Amy and I had heard so many wives tales on inducing labor, so she ate pineapple, got a pedicure, and she ordered a huge storm for that evening. The storm actually did arrive, and it was out of nowhere. Crazy high winds and rain. In manly fashion, Robby and Dave were outside trying to watch the storm, while we girls and kids, were inside trying to watch the news. It seriously got pitch black out, and was very scary. After the storm blew by, Dave and I headed home to our hotel in Green Bay. Hugging Amy goodbye, I told her I needed one more night of sleep, in which she remarked, “I won’t call you tonight.” And, we went on our way. I had text a girlfriend and stated, “Just left a Top Ten Day with their family. My heard is so full. We are so lucky!… Honestly no words could describe how we feel right now!”

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We arrived to the hotel absolutely exhausted, and excited for another wonderful night’s rest. After taking night time sleep meds, Dave and I crashed.

One hour later, she called. It barely rang before I answered. Amy, as calmly as I’ve heard her, said, “My water just broke.” It was 11:51, and we started to figure out our plan. Dave, literally, jumped out of bed and threw all of the hotel lights back on. Amy needed to reach someone to watch the kids, and we needed to drive from Green Bay to Appleton. We had all of our stuff we needed to pack up, as we had settled in to our little home. Dave and I have never moved so fast in our lives. The guy at the front desk of the hotel looked at us, oddly, as we had just arrived for our night, and now we were rushing out with all of our luggage and purchasing caffeine. I told him we were having a baby, and he looked at me like I was crazy.

We made it to the hospital first. I went into the ER asking where to go when you’re in labor, and, once again, got the crazy looks. A few minutes later came Amy and Robby, and we all got checked in quickly. We had figured this would be a very quick labor, as her last baby came very quickly after having her water break. Dave and I were just so excited that the time was finally here… we would meet our sweet son.

Little did we know, it would take a bit longer than we all thought. Our rockstar Amy didn’t have an epidural, and baby boy was stuck, sunny side up. Amy did such an outstanding job, and she was such a trooper. But, I will tell you, it is not ‘fun’ to watch someone endure labor for you. My tears started pretty quickly after we got checked into our room. Watching her contractions was awful. It was a guilt that I cannot ever explain, and unless someone else has carried your child, I imagine you won’t understand. Tears just streamed down my face. Non stop. My heart hurt. My stomach hurt. Everything in me hurt. I was reminded that I couldn’t carry a child. My body had failed me. And, because of that, my sweet friend was in pain; she was in lots of pain. I kept looking up at Dave, and he had the same look of despair on his face. Those moments were hard and so very painful. What I wouldn’t give to trade places with Amy, lying in that bed, her cheering me on. I wanted to take all of her hurt away, and begged God to speed up this process.

Robby coached Amy, and was an absolute saint! They make the greatest team ever. They are basically pros, as they have already been through this twice before. But this labor was different, and none of us knew why baby wasn’t coming out. I stood right by Amy’s head, and Dave right behind me, while Robby was right next to her, helping her every move. We had all made bets on the time he would arrive. Robby- 3:30am, Ashley 4:32 and Dave 3:14. The next five hours were brutal. Amy’s OB, who we love, got there about 5:00. We thought he would be here any minute, but poor Amy had to go through so much more. Shift change for the nurses was 6:00, but these sweet nurses were so vested in our story, they decided to stay. We had a wonderful team of staff. They were absolutely amazing! And so many of us cheering Amy on. I will admit, I was pretty quiet, as I was crying too hard to speak. I was barely able to cheer, I just stood right by her side, tears beaming down my face. I worried for Amy’s safety, and worried about the safety of my baby as well. Amy continued to push.

Brigham Leo Klein was finally born at 6:53am.

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He was beautiful. He had TONS of black hair, which I, too, had as a baby. The sobs began. I don’t think there was a dry eye in that room. The four of us all cried, and Dave and I cried like never before. The doctor put a blanket on Amy’s stomach, so that I would receive the first skin to skin. We did delayed cord clamping, and Daddy Dave got to cut the cord.

And, then, that moment was here. I got to hold my baby. I was wearing a gown, and the doctor walked right over to me, holding my son, and laid him right on my chest. And, I’m telling you, he snuggled right in, just as I had carried him, and we had never been apart. He knew I was his mommy. He was so warm, and it just felt so right having him on my chest. I couldn’t see him, but could finally feel him.

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Someone in this world needed us, and fully depended on us. Eventually, I got a look at his sweet face, and he was the perfect mix of us. For some reason, I had always pictured a mini Dave, so I was shocked to see he looked almost identical to my baby pictures. No matter what, he was ours. And he was perfectly ours. Forever.

 

 

 

 

Shortly after them placing him on my chest, Dave said, “Thank you Amy. And thank you Robby” I barely got it out, “YES! Amy, thank you. Thank you Robby.” And the boys went in for a big hug, which was one of my favorite parts of the morning. Lucky we have the entire birth on video, so we get to relive this moment. But, thank you just didn’t even seem like the right word. And, here I am, two months out, trying to find the right words. There are NO words that will ever be enough. No words in this lifetime, but perhaps Heaven will have those words.

I will never forget what was repeating in my head. I saw God today. I saw God today. I saw God today. I saw God today. Over and over and over. I witnessed the first breath of my child. And, I witnessed the most unselfish act a human can do. She birthed my child. For us. She made us parents. She fulfilled our dreams. She changed our lives. She changed our friends and family’s lives. She changed strangers lives. This, sweet soul, she changed the world. She impacted our lives in the greatest way possible. She showed us a new love. She is THE greatest human we know, and we can never repay her for the sacrifice she made. She made us happier than we have ever been. She brought life into our family. And, so did Robby. This team changed our lives. We are forever grateful and love you both!

Thank you, from the bottom of our hearts!! You are the greatest person we know, and we are forever changed because of you. Our sweet angel, our hero. And, until we can find the right words to say…..THANK YOU for helping bring our miracle to life. Thank you.

Love, Dave and Ashley

While We Wait.

On By TheBorrowedBump2 Comments

Four days until I become a mom. And, I cannot believe I just typed that. Four days. Four short days. My, how the time has flown. And, really, he could come any minute and surprise us. But, knowing the Klein’s schedule, he will probably not really feel like being too early. That, and, Amy has been feeding him nachos, so we think he will probably choose to stay as long as he possibly can. We are happy to report that he already likes Mexican food, so will be a great addition to our family.

We were so torn on when we should possibly head up to Wisconsin. Although we love being home, and we are savoring our last moments at home, the idea of an 8.5 hour drive while your surrogate is in labor, was pretty unbearable to imagine. Every night, the past month, I crawl into bed and envision her calling us at midnight, and us rushing to get there over night. It was not a great thought for anyone, so we decided to come early to await his arrival. We stayed in Madison for a few nights, so we could break up the trip. We thought it would seem like a vacation, but really, our minds are ONLY on this birth, so we have a hard time relaxing and having fun.

We got to Green Bay Wednesday in time for her last appointment. Everything was perfect, and we got to listen to his heart beat so beautifully for about twenty minutes. We also got to ask her doctor any questions we would have about the birth. I’m terrified, as I have never witnessed birth, and wasn’t able to take a birthing class, so I have lots of questions. We have decided that I will do skin to skin with baby, right when he comes out, and Dave will cut the cord. Fair trade, right? I cannot wait to put that sweet boy, of ours, on my chest, and feel him for the first time. A long awaited dream, finally becoming a reality. Four more days.

The last few days have flown, and we have gotten to spend tons of time with Amy and her family. It’s been so good for our souls. It feels so great to be so close to our baby, and they feel like family to us, so it works out great. The other day, the baby put a fist or elbow up to my hand and was moving it back and forth. It’s crazy to think, that the only thing separating us is skin and fluid… and that’s my baby. We have had so much fun together, and the fun with continue through the weekend, while we spend more time with her family. I have definitely loved each time the kids slip and call Dave, “Uncle Dave.” Because that is just what it feels like. They feel so much like family, and we know that is the way it will feel forever.

Many of you have asked our plans after birth. Some people have said, “So, you just take the baby and it’s over?” Absolutely NOT. No. This family has become our family, and there is no way that the birth will end this friendship. It will just be another milestone that the four of us get to experience together. They will both witness the birth of our first child; the moment that we officially become Mom and Dad. This moment will connect us even more. This will be such an intimate experience, and we are so thrilled that they can share it with us. I can promise you, it will be a memory we all take with us for the rest of our lives. What a beautiful moment. I have warned them, that I will probably sob more than I ever have, and they are (so they say haha) okay with that and prepared! We are all thinking that there may not be a dry eye in that delivery room that day. Oh, little Baby Klein, you are changing the world.

So, as I mentioned, I will do skin to skin with the baby, immediately after birth, and Dave will cut the cord. Then, we will get our own room (knock on wood that the hospital cooperates on this) and we will let Amy rest, while we stare intently at our sweet little miracle. Her children will come meet him as well, as we all feel like that is an important part of the process and great ‘closure’ for them to see and meet the baby, and see how happy we are with him. They have recently been asking more questions on it all, and I love that. Kids are so much more accepting to things than adults, and this is one situation that proves it. Such sweet souls.

We will be leaving for home straight from the hospital, which will be the most interesting drive home ever. I am sure it will take so much time for us to get there, while stopping to feed/change etc. But, we can’t wait. I have often envisioned that moment that we get in the car, and head home to start our little family. Gives me chills just thinking about it. While we go home with a baby, Amy goes home to her sweet family, but I can’t help but think of how hard it could be for her as well. We will still be talking daily, and still be just as close, but her body has been preparing for this baby, and hormones will continue. So, please, keep her in your prayers and we all move forward. Again, we know we will see them soon, and they will be our friends/family for life, but that doesn’t mean it will all feel normal. We will all have adjustments to make. We have experienced the greatest journey we have been a part of, and the feeling of the finality of it, is something I can’t even explain. While I am beyond thrilled to meet little mister, it will be so different getting off this sweet ride, and boarding the next train. We will never forget the highs of this amazing ride. After all, this ride took our broken pieces and mended them back together. And we have never felt so whole. Thankful for the terrible rollercoaster that we rode for four years, because, truly, it taught us about heartache and the strength that comes along with that. We are beyond grateful for the smooth ride we have been on this past year. We couldn’t have done this without the love of Amy and Robb. They were just who we needed. We couldn’t pick a better couple to help us, and there is no other woman out there that I would want carrying my baby. She is our sweet angel.

Dave had said to me, the other night at dinner, “Can you imagine if someone had told you years ago, that Amy would carry your baby one day?” I thought about that one for a minute. I remember praying so many times the past four years, for God to just let me know I would be okay, yet I knew he couldn’t. We don’t always know where our paths will take us, but we have to hold tight in faith. I would have laughed and thought it was the craziest thought ever, had someone suggested I wouldn’t ever be pregnant, and that a stranger would carry my baby. No way. No freaking way. I would have been crushed to learn, at a younger age, that this would be my story. But now, after fighting so hard to get here, I absolutely love my story. I feel like we are adding something beautiful to the world. We are inspiring others, through our strength, kindness (Amy,) generosity, love, faith and commitment. That was my goal all along; to make a difference. This is my favorite story I have ever heard, and I know it will make an impact for generations to come.

Growing Quickly in Our Hearts.

On By TheBorrowedBump2 Comments

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The past month has been a whirlwind. Robby and Amy came to see us in March, and it was honestly one of the very best weekends of my life. We were SO excited to share them with our friends and family, and to share our friends and family with them! We just wanted them to see our home, and see where little baby will grow up. We had so much fun!

Saturday morning we went to a little boutique ultrasound place in town, and we got to see Baby Klein. He has started to get some cheeks, and still has crazy long legs, like his daddy. He is so sweet and cute, of course! He was pretty sleepy during the appointment, so he wasn’t wanting to move very much. Not like his big debut at his 20 week anatomy scan. He finally started moving a bit, and Amy asked if I wanted to feel her tummy, while he kicked! YES!!! Oh my gosh…. AMAZING feeling. Dave ended up snapping some pics, so I will cherish those forever. Our appointment was about an hour long, and the ultrasound tech was amazing. She teared up at the end and told us she would remember this appointment forever. You could tell she was very moved, and she was so interested in how this all works. I love sharing our story with others, and you just see their hearts swell, when they see a stranger carrying my baby.

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Then we had about fifty friends and family over that afternoon to meet our heroes. It was just such a wonderful day. Our families just loved meeting them and seeing ‘our bump.’ Everyone LOVED both Amy and Robby!!! It’s hard not to smile the minute you meet them, and Amy seriously has THE sweetest smile ever!! She just makes you feel at peace and you can tell how huge her heart is. What a perfect person to carry our baby. We finished the evening, just the four of us, at dinner chatting about everything about that day. It was just awesome to have everyone be able to put faces with names. They loved seeing our life, and seeing all of the support we have, and how loved Baby Klein is already. Saying goodbye to them that evening was SO hard on me. I just didn’t want to let her go, and definitely cried when they left. So many feelings. And I couldn’t help but think that the next time we see them is baby time!!!!

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I have also been lucky enough to have baby showers the past few weeks. I have had three (and one more this week)… which is crazy, and amazing all at once 🙂 When I started thinking of using a surrogate, I remember wondering if I would still have a baby shower. Yes, of course I would. I have still gotten to experience all of those amazing parts of a new mom expecting a baby. My heart, at each shower, felt like it was going to burst. I know I say that a lot, but that is the best way for me to explain how I feel. We just have such wonderful and supportive friends and family. And, the girls that threw my showers just made me feel so special. I honestly just kept feeling like I was dreaming. I never thought I would get this far. Baby showers have always been one of the hardest events for me. I love supporting my friends, but they were hard, because I didn’t believe that my turn would ever come. Well, my turn is finally here. And, I’m loving every minute of it.

Amy is still so sweet and keeps me in the loop on the progress of Baby Klein. She sends us updated belly bump pictures, and I just love seeing them and seeing my sweet boy. I remember before we started this process, the thought of seeing a belly bump picture of my future surrogate made me so sad, but I couldn’t feel more opposite! Those pictures brighten any of my days. They give me so much hope, and I’m always in awe that some sweet soul is doing this for ME. She sends us heart beat recordings, tells us what she craves, how much he moves, and even does belly buds so he can hear our crazy voices. She has made me feel so special and important in this pregnancy, and I couldn’t have ever imagined a better gestational carrier.

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Time is quickly passing. I have heard this so many times from my friends that have struggle to get pregnant. They’ve always said that if it takes you years to get pregnant, the nine months of pregnancy fly by. I have been so used to living my life in 2-4 week increments. Patience is a must during the long cycles of IVF. So now that we have an end date/goal in mind, the days are flying. I cannot believe that I will soon hold my sweet precious boy. His nursery is almost complete, and our house is over flowing with all things baby. So many generous hearts out there giving us amazing gifts and continually praying for Dave, myself, and baby.

As happy and excited as I am, I am prepared to feel a little ‘sad’ after the birth. Not sad that he is here, obviously, but sad that this amazing surrogacy journey will be complete. I already know that the bond between Amy and me will last forever. We will still chat often, and I want her to see pics of our son. We have talked about the future, and how we can do family vacations up to WI, and they can bring the kids here sometime in the next year or two. We have made lifetime friends. And we absolutely hit the jackpot with them. They are the reason this crazy ride has seemed so calm. They have changed our path. I thank God for them daily, and they will forever be two of the biggest hearts in my entire life story. I picture myself, after raising my children and looking back on life… and I know Robby and Amy will be that change in our story. We will love and cherish them forever.

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The Detour to My Bump

On By TheBorrowedBump2 Comments

When I look back on my life, I can promise you, I always had a clear vision of becoming a mom. I wasn’t always sure what I wanted to ‘be’ when I grew up, but having the mom title was a must and was something I never questioned. Borrowing a bump from someone, however, was not in my plans. Not even a thought.

Borrowing a bump was actually, at one point, my biggest fear. There was no way I could/would ever trust another woman to take care of my baby, and I sure as heck was not interested in not being part of that “pregnant club,” where moms chat about the feeling of kicks, nausea, child birth and loving a child from the inside out. I would definitely want to do that. Child birth stories scare me, but I’ve always known that joy of meeting your first child must be greater than the pain, because it seems most people continue to have a second. I would definitely want two or three, and I knew that pain would be worth it. I actually just couldn’t wait till I could join my friends in that club. I never realized that my time in that club would be such a short stay. A very short lived dream, ending in heart ache.

From that point on, I put my heart and soul into getting back into that club. Each moment of my days, I did all that I could to help myself get back. My obsession was fierce, my passion immense. And each time one of my doctors would mention surrogacy, it made me want to fight even harder to get back in. I gave it my everything. I did all that I could, but I never did get back into that place I wanted to be. I would never get to carry my child.

I had no idea where my turning point would be, and looking back, I can see the days that my heart started to change. I was growing through my pain and heart ache. I entered a new chapter in my book and was scared out of my mind. But, this chapter would end up going down as the most amazing, proud, happy, thankful, grateful chapter. This is where my story turned. And, I took the road less traveled into surrogacy.

So many times in life, we try and try and try. And, no matter what, we just cannot succeed. We learn as children, that if you put your heart to something, you will succeed. That’s not true at all. How many times in life are we told no? We want something so badly, but God says no. And, at the time, we are furious. But, what we need to realize is that he truly has something amazing planned for each of us. Even in our hardest moments, there is purpose. Even if this hurt doesn’t change your own life, you surely are changing someone else’s life. Someone is watching. Someone is learning. Someone is changing. Someone is growing. All because of your pain. He truly does use us for this.

I’ve realized, lately, more than ever, that my story is impacting others. I had many days where I was completely knocked down, and lost the fight by a mile. But I kept standing as tall as I could. Somedays my steps were slower than other days, but I always moved forward. And, I’m so glad I did. Had I given up, I wouldn’t be gearing up to meet my sweet baby boy. I could have said, “enough,” and stopped the fight. But I didn’t. I accepted another path. It has been one of the best decisions we have ever made. This has been the hardest journey I’ve yet to experience, but now is the most incredible adventure I’ve seen.

And, I do believe this is how life is. It’s hard, it’s unfair and you will be thrown more curve balls than you hope. But, it’s absolutely beautiful. We are all going to have so many wonderful times, but we will each get knocked down. What will you do when you get knocked down? Will you stop and give up? Will you keep going? Will you accept another option/path? I hope you do. Because, often, what’s on the other side, will be the most breathtaking view you may ever see.

How I Survived Seven Rounds of IVF

On By TheBorrowedBump1 Comment

If you know me, you know that for a year and a half my life revolved around IVF. I tried fitting in as many damn rounds as possible. Or, so it seemed. One after another, over and over. I’ve had more shots (not the fun drinks) than I could count. I’m only two months out from my last round of IVF, and have been thinking of some advice, for those of you in the midst of it. So, here you go!

#1. LOVE YOUR SPOUSE
I remember the first IUI that didn’t work. It was a Tuesday morning in April, and raining like crazy. I took my test, and surprisingly saw one damn line. Not pregnant. The RE had said I would be such an easy case, plus I had been pregnant before, so I was pretty confident in this time. I went and told Dave, and his response was, “That sucks.” Oh man, I flipped. That sucks!? That is what he had to say. After a slight (okay maybe not so slight) freak out moment, Dave said to me, “I am just as upset and sad, but it is physically impossible for me to understand exactly how much this hurts you. I’m not the one on shots, I’m not the one that has to ‘feel’ all of this.” And, man was he right. It’s true. They won’t be able to understand exactly how it feels to be us. But, they do support us more than anyone in this world. This is their baby and story too. During some of our darkest days of our journey a friend of mine suddenly lost her husband. My heart broke. Absolutely broke. Still does for her, and she is beyond strong for continuing to put one foot in front of the other. This moment was a little wake up call for me. How lucky am I to be struggling to have a baby with THE greatest husband on earth? He is here, he is my best friend and biggest fan. What if I didn’t have him? I am so lucky. And that story changed me. It made me cling to him and appreciate him even more. I have seen infertility ruin marriages, and I have seen it strengthen them. It strengthened mine. We have gotten so close through the years, and we clung to each other through the struggle. I know it can be so hard, because men will be men. But, your spouse loves you, and is (hopefully) doing the best that they can to support you. Their heart is breaking too, so stick together and keep moving forward.

#2. FIND YOUR TRIBE
This, to me, is one of the very most important parts of an IVF journey. When I first started fertility shots, after a miscarriage three years ago, I was clueless when the doctor told me, “You have thin lining.” What the hell does that mean??? Over the months, I became a “not your typical case,” and… “we don’t know what else to try,” type of girl. So, what does one do? GOOGLE!! And, we know how that goes. Not well. My counselor suggested I sign up on a fertility site called, Resolve/Inspire, and it was the best thing I could have done. Please, go create an account, and I promise, you will find your tribe. http://www.resolve.org I remember my first post about CCRM and a girl named Betsy reached out to me, praising the facility and doctors at CCRM. She had just found out she was pregnant after an exhausting journey, and had a million wonderful things to say about CCRM. She and I quickly became friends, and it just was so awesome to find someone that understood the pain in my heart. Even though she was pregnant, she was so passionate about my story and wanted me to have my happy ending just as badly. She cheered from the sidelines, encouraged me, bossed me (haha we said she was like an older sister to me) and cried with me. She was, and still is, an amazing rock in my life.
Shortly after, while posting about thin lining and Asherman’s, I met a girl named Nancy. She was in the thick of her pain. My God, I wasn’t sure I could ever be as strong as her, and her story terrified me. There is NO way I could ever use a surrogate, or continue fighting and being as strong as she was. She, too, was a thin lining girl, and we clenched fists together, and crossed every thing we could to get our linings to increase. She was the first person I would email after an appointment, disappointed about my lining etc. And, I would be anxiously awaiting her lining news each time she saw her RE as well. She is the sole reason I was comfortable enough to pursue surrogacy a year after we met. We would email almost daily, and she answered all of my questions and worries. I will be forever grateful for these two women. I met so many other women on this site who gave me suggestions and support! It can be such a lonely road while going through this muck. And, most of my best friends, although so sad for me, just couldn’t understand how it felt to be in my shoes. Having women who could relate to me, simply saved me on MANY of my days. The past year I also met two more local friends through church and an IVF support group, and their stories were so similar to mine, it was eery. We are all now expecting our miracle babies this summer, and they will forever be best friends of mine. Find your tribe. Love the heck out of them.

#3. LOVE YOURSELF.
You are kicking ass at this. And you are inspiring someone to be braver. This is a hard process, and literally hurts ever piece of your body. Talk about feeling like a failure. Man, I couldn’t even carry a freaking baby. You think there were plenty of days I didn’t feel like a freaking failure and an absolute mess?! Of course I did. My husband’s numbers all checked out great, but me, oh shit I sucked. I have terribly thin lining, and then found out my eggs weren’t that awesome either. But, somehow I still treated myself kindly. I let myself have the days where sadness consumed me. I even ruined a day with Dave and his ailing dad at the farm (One of their last father son visits there,) calling him hysterically crying and begging him to come home because I couldn’t move and couldn’t get out of bed. Talk about feeling guilty, and almost hating myself. You have got to let yourself have those days. Don’t hide them. They suck. But, I truly believe the most important part is that you are strong enough to get back up. I always did, eventually get back up. Do what makes you feel better. Sometimes, I just needed a REALLY good night’s sleep, or a bath, a chat with a girlfriend, Mexican food (embarrassingly ate my feelings,) a long walk for fresh air, a spa day, journaling, etc. Do what makes YOU happy. Take care of you. This phase will end, eventually. I won’t promise that it will end the way you want it to end, but it will end and you WILL be okay. Just let yourself be sad, learn how to soothe yourself and be so very gentle to your heart. You are doing your best. Keep on going. And, keep on getting up.

#4. BE YOUR BIGGEST ADVOCATE
To me, being an expert at fertility was my thing. I like to dive deep into things, and learn it ALL. I do know too much about infertility, but I just have to know things. I learned so much online, and from other women on my sites. There were times I made suggestions to my doctors, and some of those suggestions helped! You can’t just sit back and expect your doctor to do it all. They will miss things. LEARN things. Even if you need to email me with questions, i am so happy to help. Learn the grading of blastocysts and learn what a morula is. This helped me so much and made me feel more in control. CCRM had put me on supplements, (google CCRM vitamin cocktail) and I had my best round while there. I wasn’t on my supplements for my two worst rounds. I had also run across women who used Human Growth Hormone (Saizen or Omnitrope) and had success with increasing egg quality. I brought that to my RE, and begged her to research it. She finally spent some time researching and put me on it. The two rounds that I used it (aside from my amazing first round when I was going to CCRM) are the rounds where I got my quality blasts. I strongly believe in supplements and HGH. The HGH doesn’t help for everyone, but why not try? My three frozen embryos all came from HGH rounds. I highly recommend reading the book It Starts With An Egg. This will go in to detail why supplements are so important. My biggest piece of advice is to get on CoQ10 immediately. It does take 2-4 months for supplements to help egg quality, so get started early. You need at least 400 mg per day, I did 800. I am such a believer in this, and every friend I have suggested this to, had much greater success after doing these supplements. Drastic difference. Find what works for you.

#5. EXPLAIN IVF TO THOSE YOU LOVE
Although my family and friends couldn’t truly understand what we were going through, they cared so much. They wanted this for us as badly. They don’t understand the process, and how could they? I explained the way the shots made me feel, and explained that my ovaries would go from the size of walnuts to grapefruits in just 10 days. I explained the weight gain, the no exercise rule, the emotions, thin lining etc. The people that have known and loved you forever, care more than most. If they are interested in learning, share this with them and it will help them to understand your pain and your craziness. Don’t just cut them out of your life. I got to the point where we stopped sharing all of the details, and that was beyond freeing. It took so much pressure off of us, and it helped to be able to finally surprise them with our exciting news.

#6. GET HELP.
This part took a while for me to accept, but it was a vital step in the process. Find yourself a counselor. I was lucky enough to find a counselor who had been through infertility herself, and works with women like me daily. She saved me on so many days. It was SO nice to have her support, and she worked with me to stop using harsh words towards myself and my ‘failing’ body. Her facility specialized in so many things that got me through this- Fertility Yoga, Femoral Massages, IVF Support Group to name a few. I met one of my best friends in the support group, and am so glad I stepped out of my comfort zone and walked into that group of hurting women. They got me. I also did acupuncture, and found a wonderful friend through my sessions. She, too had been through these struggles and helped me so much. I highly recommend Omaha Integrative Care and 13 Moons Acupuncture if you are local. Both amazing places. There were months that my life truly felt like it revolved around my IVF, and it did. But these appointments really helped me work through it all. Journaling and writing my thoughts also helped me. Find what helps you, and do it 🙂

I know, all too well, how awful it feels to be in the middle of IVF. I am sorry you are going through this. I will always have a place in my heart for any girl who is going through fertility. I love helping others, and obviously believe that we should all be there for each other. Although I am currently expecting my baby, via surrogacy, I do feel like a part of my heart will always be a tad broken, feeling left out of the ‘normal’ world. And, I feel a twinge of jealousy each time someone announces that they are expecting, and expecting easily. Sometimes I feel as if I will always be sitting on the sidelines, never being allowed to play for the team that doesn’t struggle. That team that wins and wins and wins. I put so much of my life into this game, while watching others just naturally succeed. I know this game by heart, and can play it in my sleep. It will always sting a bit. I know that. But, again, I will stand strong, and I will stand for all of you ‘infertile’ women and men. We have our own game, and although it may be more elite, and a different playing field, we can still win. And, we will.

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Half Way There.

On By TheBorrowedBump4 Comments

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I’ve been awful at updating this blog. My sole purpose was to help other women who are struggling with infertility or struggling with the idea of surrogacy, and now i am slacking. I also wanted to use it as a way to update friends and family on our pregnancy. I told Dave the other night, that I feared if someone came across our blog, and saw no updates, they may think things haven’t been going too well, but they actually couldn’t be going better!

Things have been going much better than I ever would have planned with our surrogacy pregnancy. We went up to Wisconsin two weeks ago for our anatomy scan. I was so excited for that appointment but SO worried too. I’m the type of person that can get myself all bent out of shape about anything. It is so annoying. I was worried about the baby, obviously, but also really worried about how I may feel while facing the reality that the baby is not inside me. For weeks, I thought about it. I have had such positive feelings since we were matched, and I kept wondering if those jealous/bitter feelings would ever come. I wondered if they would come when that baby popped up on the screen. Man, I worried. And I worried for absolutely nothing.

I did not feel one negative feeling. Nothing. I even tried to search for it (gosh, I’m weird,) and it was no where in my heart. I felt pure JOY. Honestly, I felt something that I have never felt before, and I truly cannot even explain it. Seeing that baby up on that screen, and knowing he was mine, well, that was THE best feeling in the world. For a minute, I thought to myself, “so THIS, this is what the struggles were for, this is the prize.” And, man, does it seem worth it. It’s crazy to have these feelings while he isn’t even here yet, but I feel them, and I’m truly shocked.

Amy looked adorable and barely had a little bump! She is a much cuter pregnant woman, than I would be! Our appointment was so wonderful, and we loved seeing our baby boy for the very first time. He was “so cooperative,” so that’s what the tech said. I told her that was probably just foreshadowing his future… I mean, that’s what little boys are all about, right? I am sure he will always be so cooperative;) I sat right next to Amy, and Dave next to me. He was moving right away. He was soooo cute. He would put one foot up to the screen, and then the next foot, then put them together. I asked her if she could feel all of that movement, and she only felt some of it. It was just amazing seeing him. And, he was healthy… that’s the BEST part!!!! We got to meet Amy’s doctor, which was wonderful as well. She was great! Then we got to go and meet Amy’s kids, and they were the sweetest and SO adorable!!! It was so fun to finally meet them face to face! Then, the four of us had dinner and talked for hours. We talked about how the birth will be. It’s so fun that Amy and her husband will both be with us, and witness the greatest moment of our lives. We toured the hospital which made everything seem so much more real! June will be here before we know it! It was so fun being with Amy, and I loved the thought that baby boy was with us the entire time, too. I do miss him often, and wish he could be right with us all of the time, but that will happen very soon.

Surrogacy has been 100,000 times better than I would have imagined. And, I know, the biggest reason that it has been so wonderful is because we were matched so perfectly with our Amy. She is the sweetest and greatest person ever. She is our angel. I have never truly felt this way about anyone else, and unless you have been an intended mom, I don’t know that you could understand this feeling. We truly love her. It’s not the same love that I have for my family and best friends, it’s this love that I cannot even explain. It’s a different part of my heart, that I never knew existed. A different part of my heart is beating, and exploding with joy. It’s this feeling that I haven’t felt before, but, then again, no one has ever carried my baby.:) Like, my heart could literally burst. She is carrying my baby, my everything. She is changing our world… forever. Changing our life. I still cannot believe that there was someone out there that wanted to do this for us. And, I never could have fathomed these feelings. Some words that come to mind are pure joy, gratefulness, amazement, over the moon happy, love, peace… it’s like any wonderful feeling combined into one and magnified by a thousand. I do feel like the luckiest girl on earth, and a year ago I felt far from that. I still have to pinch myself that this is truly happening. I am going to be a mommy. And it’s because of a huge sacrifice of someone else. This journey has been the best thing I have ever been a part of, thanks to Amy. Our sweet hero.

1,462 days later…HE ANSWERED

On By TheBorrowedBump7 Comments

kleins-21Things may not have happened the way that we thought
But between us and our army, we fought and we fought
We had so much fear, but always kept our hope
And even though we grew weary, we kept climbing that rope
We did all that we could and we searched high and low
Until we found the best of the best, oh how she glows.
She’s perfect for us, and we are over the moon
She will deliver Baby Klein sometime in June
God answered our prayers and our baby is quickly growing
We, as Mom and Dad, our hearts are overflowing.kleins-47

This is the poem that I wrote and gave to our parents on November 18. We are EXPECTING… FINALLLLLLLY! I know I have been quiet, and some of you may have guessed the reason. We transferred one sweet embryo (yes my egg and Dave’s sperm) on September 27th. We got our positive test four short days later, on October 1. This has absolutely been an amazing experience, and has been the turn in our story. The turn where everything just feels so much better. The pressure taken off of me, has been so refreshing, and if things go as planned, Baby BOY Klein will arrive the beginning of June.

We transferred one of our Colorado embryos, which we shipped to Chicago, IL, transferred in Chicago, baby will be born in WI, and home will be NE. Talk about a little adventurer. Oh, the places he will go and has already been!

We can hardly contain our excitement, but have been just normal to the outside world. We can’t wait for sweet baby to arrive. I have been writing some entries, just not posting, so I will start posting again, as I would love to share our experience with a gestational carrier , Amy, carrying our baby. We are currently 17 weeks, and I want to keep you informed of the pregnancy!

If you are reading this, and you still are trying to figure out how to get your sweet baby, I understand your pain. Please just know, that I was so scared (still am somedays, let’s be honest,) but this surrogacy journey has been the BEST part of our journey. And, so far, has been the most successful. If you find the right agency, which we found the most amazing one, then this process can be awesome. I truly think it can all depend on your carrier as well… and we got the BEST! So, although you may be scared, please let my story give you hope. We are so much closer to our baby. And I will continue to update on here.

Cheers to our best year yet! 2016 will awesome, and 2017 is looking to be even better. Thank you so much for your support!!! We prayed for 1,462 days… HE ANSWERED!

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Embracing Today.

On By TheBorrowedBump1 Comment

I was a little down this year on my birthday, for some reason. It seems like the holidays can be so hard…. another year old without Baby Klein. Dave made me feel better by saying that he has noticed a huge change in me this past year. I have become so much stronger. It makes me so happy that it is apparent to him, and other friends have said this as well. Once we decided to move towards the GC route, some of my worries changed into strength. Dave reminded me, that although we don’t know where our journey will end, we do know that we can make it. When this all started, we were terrified, but now we do know we will get there. Of course, I have my days where I’m scared to death that I will never be a mom, but then reality sinks in, and I KNOW we will be parents. One way, or another. We will get there. We are open to so many different avenues, and we will make it.

We have been traveling a ton the past couple of months and doing the things that we wouldn’t be able to do (on a whim) with children. We have been so happy lately, and seeming to really embrace our place in this current life. Even though we so badly want a baby, we LOVE our “right now.”

I have met some women lately (yes, I’m a crazy girl that meets friends online!!!) So many stories out there. So many brave women. It’s just unreal how many couples have to suffer through the heartache of fertility. It helps so much to have these women in my life!

Our current goal and hope is to have a baby sometime in 2017. I still love my blog, and love to share, but Dave and I are asking for privacy on the surrogacy end for now. I don’t want to put more pressure on Amy or us, by sharing each step of the way. There are so many steps to this long process. Just know…. we are moving forward, and we are content with the pace that we are moving forward. We can still use a million prayers, and we appreciate them more than you will ever know. The past few months have brought some amazing pieces to our puzzle, and also some very difficult pieces. We just need to figure out how they all fit together. We would love to have some sense of surprise when we finally do have good news to share. Thank you for respecting this decision 🙂 And, once again, thank you so much for your support!

Love,
Ashley and Dave.

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The Queen of Thin Lining

On By TheBorrowedBumpLeave a comment

This post will be super boring for friends and family, so may want to skip this post. I am writing this in hopes to help out my fellow thin lining girls.

I am the opposite of impulsive. I think (way too much) about the decisions I make. And, those who know me best know that decision making is one of my worst skills. It takes me for freaking ever to come to any decision. One of my favorite things to do is to research anything and everything. Before purchasing, I will research the heck of things… hotels, flights, resorts, shoes, sheets, cars, shampoo, etc. The list literally would be miles long if I told you everything I researched. It drives a lot of people crazy, but I just think I’m really smart. HA!

So, it is no wonder that during my years of infertility, I have studied a ton. I hate to have this title, but I would consider myself a “Thin Lining Queen.” UGH. I used to scour the internet for hours upon hours. I would come home from work and try to find ways to cure my thin lining. I swear to you, I have tried everything. While I truly had no success, I thought I would write a blog post about what I have tried, in hopes that maybe it will help you!

I had thin lining while first trying for a baby, but I was also on Clomid, which you know thins your lining. After my miscarriage, I was able to do one IUI on Gonal F 75 iu, and my lining climbed up to 7.7. WOWZA! I can only imagine what it would have grown to, had I gotten the chance to increase my medications. This was the IUI where they decided to take a closer look into my uterus, they found “something” and ended up removing the placenta that had deeply attached to my uterus. Big sigh. After that surgery, I got Asherman’s Syndrome (scar tissue in the uterus.) My days of 7.7 were done.

Over the next year, I tried anything and everything to increase my endometrial lining, with no success.

*******I remember while I was searching, every time I found a blog online, and realized the girl had to pursue surrogacy, I would just want to curl up in a ball. If you are reading this post, and so far away from surrogacy, that is okay. I think you should keep trying. There are many, many, many women that get their lining to increase, and many that get pregnant on thin lining. So, do everything that you can. That is okay. Don’t give up. I will tell you, with complete honesty, that I am very excited that I get a chance to work with a surrogate. It took me years to come to terms with this, but I am here, and I am beyond happy. Don’t let this blog scare you

Here is the list I have compiled of different treatments I attempted for my lining:

CCRM (Colorado for Reproductive Medicine Trials)
Gonal F- (anywhere from 75 iu-450 iu)
Menopur
Estrace (up to 2mg 4 times a day)
Viagra (yep! gross!!!!) 4 times per day
Trental (Pentoxifylline) twice a day
Vivelle Patches, went up to 4 every other day
Del Estrogen- 2 injections weekly
Baby Aspirin (this is a small aspirin) one per day
And, wait for it…. Hyperbaric Oxygen Chamber Therapy. – This was crazy, and a research trial for CCRM, but it truly worked for some girls that I met. I would lay in the chamber (was nervous as it felt like a coffin, but it seriously wasn’t bad!) for 1.5 hours per day for 11 days. This has helped many athletes recovery from surgeries more quickly and works wonders… just not for me 🙂 Maybe I’m not athletic enough.

Natural Remedies:
Red Raspberry Leaf Tea- Twice Daily, do not drink after ovulation!!!
Pomegranate Juice, 8 oz twice daily
Vitamin B
Vitamin E- up to 1000 iu per day

Acupuncture
Femoral Massage
Fertility Yoga
Keeping feet warm, legs up
Castor Oil Packs on Stomach

The thickest my lining ever got during these treatments was 5.7, and it was usually around 5. During my last IVF cycle, my lining did get to 6.4 during stims, but once we had it monitored after my retrieval it had dropped to 3. The RE was shocked, but it may be something worth looking in to if you, too, are struggling with thin lining. If you have any questions please email me at theborrowedbump@gmail.com

I hope one of these remedies work for you. They have worked for many women. GOOD LUCK to you 🙂 Oh, and here are some pics of my HBO (Hyperbaric Oxygen)