Moving Forward


I know several of you have been asking for updates, and I have been absolutely swamped with work and personal things, so just getting a chance to write this. We have some awesome updates for you all!

I didn’t speak much of our IVF cycle this past month, as it was an uphill battle. Good news is that we just found out that we did get one, PGS (genetically normal) embryo! Now we have two for our surrogate, and we will continue to make more for the future. We are so relieved and excited that we have a “little embryo that could.” It was miraculous that it made it through the hurdles, but we are so grateful, and happy, knowing that could be our baby! It’s a little human, and it’s gender is already known. How crazy is that?

We went to Madison, last week, and got to meet with the gals at our agency, The Surrogacy Center. WOW! They are absolutely amazing! Our day was long and a little intense, but they made it so much better with all of their energy. Mary, Lisa and Leanne are all just wonderful and extremely knowledgeable, and if you are looking for an agency, I highly recommend them (So far! 🙂 )

First, we met with the three of them, so they could get to know us better, in order to better match us with our gestational carrier. It was fun to hear successful stories of matches and surrogate stories! So fun! We went over our preferences etc…. which is really hard. Main thing is, we just want someone who is doing this for the right reasons, and I’m sure they are if they have made it through their process. We talked a little bit more about the plan of attack too. It’s quite a long process, but when you have already been at it for 3 1/2 years, another year doesn’t seem bad at all. In fact, the thought of having a baby in 2017 is so amazing! That is so soon! We also did a 4.5 hour psych evaluation. It was nice to be able to talk with the psychologist in more detail about the good, the bad, and the ugly. It also made me feel great knowing how well they screen their carriers. So, now we wait to be matched. We are praying this will happen soon, as we are so ready to move forward.

We also had a phone consultation yesterday with a dr in Chicago, where we will begin doing more IVF rounds. Yay for doctor #4! wowza! This will be easier for our gestational carrier, as she will be closer to this clinic. We are hoping to create more embryos there for future. We are so thankful that we finally have IVF insurance coverage, and don’t have to spend much (about $5k per cycle) for our rounds anymore! 🙂

Thanks for your prayers and thoughts the last few weeks. It was a big couple of weeks for us, and we appreciate all of you!

A Letter to Her.

To our future hero…

If you are reading this, chances are, you are considering doing the most amazing, unselfish act of kindness that a woman could do. Thank you for even considering this process. You are a brave, beautiful, strong, mother, and I know already that your heart is made of gold. I have prayed for you for a couple of years. I have prayed that you are doing this for the right reasons and that God knows what he’s doing when he matches us. I have prayed every day for you.

To be honest with you, at one point in this journey, my biggest fear was not being able to carry our baby. I wanted to feel that so badly. I wanted to experience that bond. I want to be able to relate to every other woman who has gotten the opportunity to be pregnant. I want to experience labor. But, through many trials, I have realized, this may not be my path. Sometimes in life when one path keeps beating you up, you start to think of another path. The longer the one strikes you down, the more attractive the other road sounds. I started to think of my end goal, and stopped obsessing over being pregnant and getting a positive pregnancy test. I started to be more open to other alternatives. I prayed so much about this. And, here we are, ready to move forward to find you. If you are willing to do this, I could have everything I have ever dreamed of. I will be a mommy.

Sometimes I cry just thinking about you and how amazing you must be to consider doing this for a stranger. Thank you. Thank you is not even enough. I honestly don’t know what is enough to ever thank someone for carrying your child. I pray that you are the turning point to our struggle.  I promise to you, to always take care of this child that you bring to us. This baby is already loved so much. You will forever have a little piece of my heart and the world will know my appreciation for you. Thank you for giving us a chance. You are one sweet soul. I will continue praying for you daily. You are a godsend. And, you make my heart smile more than I thought possible. Thank you for giving our family a chance. We can’t wait for this journey with you!!


Mother’s Day

It’s really hard for me to write this post. I carry so much guilt around during this holiday. Mother’s Day isn’t about me, it’s about my mom, Rosemary. After all, she’s the one that raised me, dried my tears, celebrated my wins, loved me through those awkward years, like only a mother could. And she still loves me the same today. She’s the most optimistic person I know. She always sees the good in anything. Her heart breaks every single time that my heart breaks. She supports my decisions, never judges and prays daily for me. She will literally listen for hours if I want to analyze anything at all. Best of all, she is alive and healthy! I am so lucky that I get to talk with her nearly every day, and I get to celebrate MY mom today.

When my mom was my age, her mother had already passed away. She didn’t even get a chance to celebrate her mom on this holiday. And many women and, even young kids, don’t get to celebrate a mommy today either.

So why am I so sad? Why have I dreaded this day for weeks? Today I will endure my 4th childless Mother’s Day. And, the pain is unbearable. If you are childless, not by choice, you also know this pain. It’s embarrassing to admit, but it’s so real. I feel selfish. It’s the day that I feel like I need to hide inside, if not, everywhere I go, strangers will wish me, “Happy Mother’s Day,” with a smile. Those strangers have no idea how that phrase, said to me, is just plain painful. I feel so out of place on Mother’s Day. It’s just a huge celebration of something wonderful, but that ‘something wonderful’ happens to be the one thing I can’t and don’t have. I still feel like the crazy girl peeking inside the rest of your lives, and overflowing with uncontrollable jealousy. Over the past years, I’ve been left behind. Everyone else keeps hoping on that train, and I just seem to be stuck at the train station. I watch my friends ride the train of motherhood, and they keep adding more passengers. I want to add passengers too but can’t.

I’m over the fact of thinking, “Maybe this will be the last Mother’s Day without a baby.” After so many Christmases, Birthdays, Easters etc pass, you start losing hope.

So this weekend I will cling to my sisters of infertility. The ones that know exactly how my heart is aching. I wish, so badly, that they didn’t know the pain, but they’re really the only ones that know. The statistics are 1 in 8. If you are still longing to be a mommy, I pray for you daily. This is a part of life that doesn’t make sense. The fact so many women out there just cannot carry a baby to full term breaks my hear. But you are still a mommy. You really are. Our babies may be in Heaven, but that doesn’t mean we aren’t moms. Our babies were just too perfect for this earth. We will see them one day. And that will be the best Mother’s Day ever.

To you mothers out there. Happy Mother’s Day! May you get spoiled with so much love, and may you remember that those cheeks you get to kiss are such a miracle. I know your lives are crazy, stressful and chaotic, and I honestly can’t even imagine. I look up to my girlfriends, sisters, mom, mother in law, etc. May you know how special you are tomorrow, and always. Cheers to you!

And to the ones longing for a baby. You’re in my prayers. I am right there with you. Let’s hold each other up just like we always do. YOU are among the strongest women I know. You are loved beyond measure. And, I pray, that one day YOU will be another reason that this day is celebrated.

Here’s to every woman out there. You are strong and beautiful and making this world a better place.