It’s really hard for me to write this post. I carry so much guilt around during this holiday. Mother’s Day isn’t about me, it’s about my mom, Rosemary. After all, she’s the one that raised me, dried my tears, celebrated my wins, loved me through those awkward years, like only a mother could. And she still loves me the same today. She’s the most optimistic person I know. She always sees the good in anything. Her heart breaks every single time that my heart breaks. She supports my decisions, never judges and prays daily for me. She will literally listen for hours if I want to analyze anything at all. Best of all, she is alive and healthy! I am so lucky that I get to talk with her nearly every day, and I get to celebrate MY mom today.
When my mom was my age, her mother had already passed away. She didn’t even get a chance to celebrate her mom on this holiday. And many women and, even young kids, don’t get to celebrate a mommy today either.
So why am I so sad? Why have I dreaded this day for weeks? Today I will endure my 4th childless Mother’s Day. And, the pain is unbearable. If you are childless, not by choice, you also know this pain. It’s embarrassing to admit, but it’s so real. I feel selfish. It’s the day that I feel like I need to hide inside, if not, everywhere I go, strangers will wish me, “Happy Mother’s Day,” with a smile. Those strangers have no idea how that phrase, said to me, is just plain painful. I feel so out of place on Mother’s Day. It’s just a huge celebration of something wonderful, but that ‘something wonderful’ happens to be the one thing I can’t and don’t have. I still feel like the crazy girl peeking inside the rest of your lives, and overflowing with uncontrollable jealousy. Over the past years, I’ve been left behind. Everyone else keeps hoping on that train, and I just seem to be stuck at the train station. I watch my friends ride the train of motherhood, and they keep adding more passengers. I want to add passengers too but can’t.
I’m over the fact of thinking, “Maybe this will be the last Mother’s Day without a baby.” After so many Christmases, Birthdays, Easters etc pass, you start losing hope.
So this weekend I will cling to my sisters of infertility. The ones that know exactly how my heart is aching. I wish, so badly, that they didn’t know the pain, but they’re really the only ones that know. The statistics are 1 in 8. If you are still longing to be a mommy, I pray for you daily. This is a part of life that doesn’t make sense. The fact so many women out there just cannot carry a baby to full term breaks my hear. But you are still a mommy. You really are. Our babies may be in Heaven, but that doesn’t mean we aren’t moms. Our babies were just too perfect for this earth. We will see them one day. And that will be the best Mother’s Day ever.
To you mothers out there. Happy Mother’s Day! May you get spoiled with so much love, and may you remember that those cheeks you get to kiss are such a miracle. I know your lives are crazy, stressful and chaotic, and I honestly can’t even imagine. I look up to my girlfriends, sisters, mom, mother in law, etc. May you know how special you are tomorrow, and always. Cheers to you!
And to the ones longing for a baby. You’re in my prayers. I am right there with you. Let’s hold each other up just like we always do. YOU are among the strongest women I know. You are loved beyond measure. And, I pray, that one day YOU will be another reason that this day is celebrated.
Here’s to every woman out there. You are strong and beautiful and making this world a better place.