Dave wrote a letter to our future child and framed it for our anniversary. He said I could share it on the blog:) I am so lucky to have his support.

April 28th, 2016
Dear first baby boy or girl of ours,

 if you are reading this with full comprehension and developed cognitive abilities, then you have to be minimally a teenager by now, or close to it.  I am writing a “blog post” for your mommy’s (or mom if you’re too cool for mommy) website…www.theborrowedbump.com….Check it out!  It’s all about you and the work your mommy did to bring you to us.  Yes, it does take 2 (you’ll learn more about that soon), but it really isn’t a fair distribution of responsibility.

I will get into the “work” (understatement of the decade) and much more in just a bit, but let’s preface this first installment from your daddy.  This is technically a 4-year anniversary gift to your mom. Yep, no jewelry or perfume or a much needed trip to Mexico, but instead a letter that will help our baby (you) understand, from your dad’s perspective, just how selfless, sacrificing and unduplicated your mom truly is.  I hope by now we have helped instill in you a sense of how important God is in your life.  If you ever had a doubt, just read this and take a look at your mom…people like her don’t just happen by accident.  You see, just like you, your mommy is one of those extremely rare and exceptional creations that God crafted for many purposes…creating YOU was one of these.

Let’s begin with how I met your mom, Ashley Jane Miller.  It was February of 2005 and a friend of mine from work told me she had a friend she went to college with that she wanted to try to set me up with.  I was happily obliging this “Group date”, as she called it, to happen.  Your mom didn’t share my same enthusiasm.  Your mom (now) is the most loving and friendliest person I know.  But, she had her guard way up!  She pretty much kept her back to me the entire night and I’m pretty sure she was still dating some other super lucky guy.  Well, the night waned on and by the end it was pretty obvious this wasn’t going to go anywhere…for now.

Fast-forward our lives 5.5 years, we have both toiled through tough relationships. Btw, all relationships have struggles…even the best.  When you’re with the right person though, you fight and work that much harder because it is worth it.  Both your mom and I are thankful (gulp) for these people because they helped bring us back to each other.
It was August 2010, and a completely different friend from my work place tells me she knows a girl that comes to her spin classes (these are probably an exercise of the past now) that she is just certain I am supposed to meet.  I told her, “Great, who is it?!”….”What?! Ashley Miller!?” I said back.  “You have to be kidding me.”  Yes, that’s right, God is either hard at work, or really just has a wicked sense of humor.  I accepted the former, and pursued your mom like it was my job.  Your mom still had the Great Wall of China built around her.  I accepted the challenge this time, laid my past and my faults out on a silver platter for her to see.  After a few months, your mom accepted that God was at work in “Our” life.  It truly is a story that not many have to share.  8 months after meeting again, April 23rd, 2011, I sent your mom on scavenger hunt through the moments of our lives we will share and ended at the altar of your mom’s hometown church in Kearney, NE. This was a Top 3 day. Marrying her and your birthday are the other two.

Let’s talk sacrifice and work.  This is one of my favorite poems that I came across years ago and I believe your mom’s will to have you is mirrored perfectly in this:

But to every mind there openeth,

A way, and way, and away,

A high soul climbs the highway,

And the low soul gropes the low,

And in between on the misty flats,

The rest drift to and fro.

But to every man there openeth,

A high way and a low,

And every mind decideth,

The way his soul shall go.

One ship sails East,

And another West,

By the self-same winds that blow,

‘Tis the set of the sails

And not the gales,

That tells the way we go.

Like the winds of the sea

Are the waves of time,

As we journey along through life,

‘Tis the set of the soul,

That determines the goal,

And not the calm or the strife.

-Ella Wheeler Wilcox
Let me begin this last section with explaining the massive difference that the effects of this grueling journey has on your mom and I. This can be hard to clarify in words because it sounds as though I don’t care as much as your mom.  We were both in this process together, but the massive brunt of it falls on the female.  The surgeries, the trials, the diets, the meds, the injections, the acupuncture, and most of all the feelings that a woman innately experiences when they slowly learn that their body cannot do what most other women can naturally do…produce and carry their own baby…all create an unfathomable burden and sadness on the female.  I mourned for her and us all along, but it was physically and emotionally impossible for me fully comprehend and experience all that she went through.

I’m your mom’s biggest fan.  Your mom is a fighter in all the best ways.  Stubborn as hell at times, but let’s focus on the multitude of the aforementioned best ways!:)  She got knocked down I don’t know how many times.  Too many to list, but between our disappointing miscarriage (this is your little ladybug sister) in the beginning of our fertility journey, to her diagnosis of Asherman’s syndrome (this caused her uterus to develop scar tissue and depleted uterine lining), to several failed IVF (Invitro Fertilization) attempts, to week-long hyperbaric oxygen therapy trials and many other disappointing Dr appointments.  Your mom and I, emphasis on your mom, got the sh*t beat out of her, for lack of better words.  Unfortunately, there was a recurring theme of that terrible feeling of ultimate disappointment and let downs that overshadowed so many of our days.  It was so hard because we are all taught in various ways in life that if you want and work for something bad and hard enough, you will get it.  Ultimately, yes, it all came to fruition with you!  I would watch your mom be crushed, beyond imagination at times, and continue to get up and keep up a fight to get to you.  She would take an ounce of hope and turn it into a ton of faith. Through a very selfless gestational carrier, we were blessed enough to be able to work with, we were finally able to bring you into the world!

The process of learning to let go and let God became the ultimate lesson for us to embrace.  Similar to how a blacksmith uses fire to temper steel, God used this journey to strengthen and temper our marriage.  For so many other unfortunate couples, they let it get the best of them and gave up.  Had we let ourselves go down that path, you wouldn’t be reading this now.  We love you more than words can say and we would do it all again…together…just to have you. We love you and I love you, Ashley Jane! Happy 4th anniversary!

All My Love,
Dad

Tomorrow we will start our 4th round of IVF. Invitro Fertilization, is where you are pumped with hormone shots, while your eggs grow in your ovaries, and once they are mature, the doctor surgically removes them, fertilizes them, and the embryologist watches them grow in their lab. Once they grow to 5 day blastocysts, we do genetic testing (they take a small biopsy from the embryo) and await to see how many embryos have the perfect number of chromosomes. It’s a super fun process. 😉

You may be confused or, maybe even be excited, thinking I still have a chance to get pregnant. Nope, that’s not why we are doing IVF. We will be doing many more rounds of IVF this year (watch out if you are around me, consider this your warning,) and banking embryos for our surrogate. We do have one frozen now, but we would like more ready to transfer to her, so we don’t have a long wait once we are matched. It’s pretty interesting as I am now being treated as an egg donor at my clinic. They have to screen me and make sure I am meeting FDA requirements since my eggs will be going into another woman.

One of my favorite things to do (this will show you that I’m crazy) right before my IVF cycle is to organize all of my drugs! I did that this morning, and it gives me such a sense of accomplishment. Weird, I know, but you would just have to be there. I’ll post a picture of my set up!

Right now, so many of you are asking what you can pray for. Please pray for our sweet surrogate. She may only be at the beginning of this road, and wondering what she is truly getting herself in to. I am sure it’s something she has thought of for a while, and maybe just recently made the leap, applying to our agency. I can’t imagine the scary feeling she must feel, wondering if she is doing the right thing. What a sweet soul she must be. I think of her non stop and wonder what she will be like. It’s seems like a long wait, but I’m so anxious to know more, and cannot wait until the day our agency shows us a match. She could be the turn of our story. I pray for her as she considers carrying a child for someone she has never met. It gives me chills just thinking of it. Please help me and put her in your thoughts. I am sure she can use them, whoever she may be. 🙂

 

To my unborn child,

One day you will see how hard we fought to get you. I have never, ever in my life fought so hard for something. I won’t give up on you, because I do know that you will be worth it. I can’t wait until the day that i see your sweet face and hold you in my arms. I will rock you each night, remembering my fight, and knowing you were more than worth every single tear.

I have cried so many nights longing for you. I have had days where I couldn’t get out of bed because all i wanted was you. I love you more than anything, and I have yet to even meet you. I promise to give you the best life possible, and I can guarantee you will feel loved. More than loved. I often wonder what you will look like and what will you be like.

I do not know how you will make it to me, and I definitely don’t know when. You may be carried by another woman, and, my sweet baby, that is okay. I will be here for you, patiently waiting, and will get to you as soon as possible. I can’t wait for your laughter to fill our home. You will be beautiful.

My second fertility surgery the nurse said to me, “Honey, if you want to be a mom, you will be.” That statement angered me. How did she know? I was scared at that point and that was almost two years ago. But that advice has stuck with me in the hurdles. I will be a mom. It may not be the way I pictured it my whole life, but I will be a mom, and I will love it. We are so ready to meet you now, but God has other plans. I will trust him knowing that one day he will bring you to us.

We love you so much already, and I can’t wait for you to know your daddy too. Oh, he really is amazing. He has fought so hard for you, and held my hand each day. He has given me shots, dried my tears, and stuck with the crazy me. The crazy me that just wants you so badly. He will be the best dad ever, and will love you more than life as well. We will keep waiting. We love you Baby Klein.

Love, Mommy

I Failed Again

Yesterday I counted, and we have been trying for a baby for 1,187 days. That’s a lot of painful days. We are two days away from 2016, yet fighting the battle we began in 2012. I will say, 2015 was no where near as painful as 2014, and just for that, I am thankful. Looking back on 2015, here are some things I learned.

I learned that sometimes even the greatest doctor in the world cannot heal you. I’m still glad that we found CCRM, and sought out the best opinion in the country. But still, they couldn’t undo what has been done to my body. They couldn’t make things right. We can officially set aside every experimental option for thin lining, as i have now tried most of them. None worked, but at least we know.

I learned that I am stronger than I ever thought. I’m proud of myself for all that I have learned and the challenges I have faced. If you would have told me 1,187 days ago that the journey would have been this long, I would have gladly passed, but I am still standing tall. Probably taller than I was when this began. I have learned new terms and met many new people, but I am still me.

The girls that grew up with me, are truly some of the best girls in the world. They care and they hurt for me. Two of them became pregnant with their second babies this year. They struggled telling me, but they did tell me. They cried when telling me the news. It’s always a crazy awkward moment when this happens. It’s awkward for everyone; me and them. They’re scared to tell me because they want it for me so badly. They want me to join them in motherhood and share in their joys. Does it hurt a bit everytime? Sure it does! I’d be lying if I said it didn’t. That doesn’t mean that I’m not happy for them, it’s just to say that I really want that for us too. So many girls struggle with finding real, true, honest friends. I have the best ones in the world. I can promise you that.

Surrogacy is as intimidating as it sounds. This year, I have become more comfortable with talking about using a gestational carrier. It is such a mountain, i really don’t even know where to begin with this. I know I need to get more serious, as we do have it in our plans, should our current plans fail. I have read different blogs and even had a conference call with one lady from Pink and Blue agency in WI. She was fantastic! She did put many of my fears aside and explained to me many myths about gestational carriers. They are married women, who had easy pregnancies, are done having their own children and want to give something back to someone while making their financial situation a little better. She said most women will say that the best moment for them is the time they find out they are pregnant, and the moment they see the intended parents’ face as all of their dreams come true, and the baby is placed in their arms. I think we could be as involved as we wanted, and today’s technology will sure help the situation. We can face time during ultrasounds or whatever we choose. I could barely say the world “surrogate” last year, but it has become part of my vocabulary in my world of fertility. I’ve learned to keep in mind that I have one end goal- to be a mommy. If this is the way we will get there, then we will do it. We will try a few more times of IVF transfers on me, and if we continue to fail, we will move on to using a GC.

I can build a friendship without ever meeting someone. I have made a few friends this year that have really gotten me through my struggles. It sounds so crazy, but they have stuck by my side and kept up with all of my appointments. They get my pain and celebrate each success with me. These girls give me hope.

I am one of the luckiest girls in the world. Truly. I have the best husband ever, by a long shot. He has taken so much care of me, and stuck right by my side. Whether he is making me laugh, drying my tears, shooting me with a needle, or helping me “forget” my problems, this guy never lets me down. He’s so cute and has learned right next to me in this struggle. I could never do this with out him, and I thank God everyday for him. I have an amazing family, puppy, friends, job, house, neighbors….. I mean, the list could go on and on. Sometimes it’s so hard to focus on what you DON’T have, and lose sight of what you do have. I have definitely let things slip and had that happen to me. But with a little kick in the ass, I set myself straight! My life is pretty damn awesome. I am so blessed to have what i do have, and I will continue to fight for what I don’t have.

I am fairly certain, that we are closer to the end than the beginning. We have a pretty good plan, and I hope that in 2016 either I’m pregnant or we have chosen a gestational carrier to carry our child. I pray so much that this is our year. I feel silly even saying that, as I have said that the past three years. But, a girl’s gotta hope! I refuse to lose that. I will hope that 2016 is OUR YEAR! Cheers!!!