It’s becoming more and more real that I will never ever carry a baby. I’m not sure if this is something that will ever be accepted by my heart, but I’m hoping that in time, love will outweigh the hurt. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my alternate route. I think I’ve gotten so wrapped up in “being pregnant” that sometimes I take my eye off the real end goal…. being a mom. I’ve been reminding myself all week that we could make it through this together. Would it be hard? Sure it would! Do i have the best partner to run this race with? Sure I do! And, we have God on our side. Somedays it seems like he’s not on our side, but I can’t help but think that he is truly trying to teach me something here. What is it? I just don’t know. But I think there is more to our journey than pain and hurt. There has to be. There has got to be a better ending. We are in such limbo right now. We continue to get our hopes up about my lining, and each appointment we learn that my body has, once again, failed us. Somedays I carry more anger than I should. I’m working on that.
I feel like I have a mountain in front of me right now. There’s so much to learn about using a gestational carrier. I found out this week that NE and MD are the two least surro friendly states…. awesome! Maybe one day I can change that and help other women. I will have our first call this week with an agency in WI. This should help answer a lot of our questions. The scariest part is the cost…. but we have agreed that it will be worth it one day. Our gestational carrier will, more than likely, live in another state. It’s definitely scary and intimidating coming to the fact that I won’t really be very involved in those 9 months. I may not be able to be at the appointments and see that pretty baby on ultrasounds. We may even (oh I hope not!) miss the birth of our sweet baby, but this will get us what we want. I have got to remember that. This will make us parents. This will start to fill our empty rooms and will start the greatest journey of our lives. We’ve got this! Together, we do!
So, we will continue to work on my lining for now. If we can get it to a decent number, even 5.5, we will transfer one at a time of our two precious embryos. It’s so hard to think that they may be “wasted” on my shitty lining. They are little humans and even their gender has been determined. After that, we will continue on with CCRM to make more embies, all the while deciding which agency we will use, and will start the long legal battle. We will be matched with a gestational carrier and go from there. We will meet her in person and determine if it’s the right fit. It’s so amazing to me that there are women out there that will do that for something. It’s the biggest gift ever, and she could be the person to make our dreams come true. I am praying for her already, as maybe we are just a small thought in her mind. I will continue to ask God to lead us in the right direction, and to hold our hands as we face many scary days. We are thankful for what we do have, and feel guilty for wanting more, but we still want more. We are more ready than ever for you, Baby Klein