Tag: CCRM

Perfectly Ours. Forever.

On By TheBorrowedBump3 Comments

 

 

 

I witnessed the greatest miracle of my life on June 4th, 2017. One day after my last post in which I thought we would become parents four days later. Once again, God had other plans.

June 3rd was what we call a ‘Top Ten Day.’ It was perfect. After I wrote my post, Amy and I went and got pedicures, and enjoyed some, much needed, quiet girl time. It was nice to get away and just be friends. We shared lots of laughs, and I still laugh when I think of how cute/silly she is when someone comments on her pregnant belly. She would always just point to me, as if not to take the credit for that sweet baby she’s growing. We would laugh, later, wondering what others thought with her gesture. It’s not everyday that someone carries someone’s baby.

Dave and I then went to Robby and Amy’s house. We surprised them by showing up in Packers gear, and we got some good smiles out of that. The kids were excited to have us out, again, and we just hung out all day. We absolutely love their house, where they have so much beautiful land and amazing views. The kids got tons of attention from us all day and night, which we all loved. Amy and I had heard so many wives tales on inducing labor, so she ate pineapple, got a pedicure, and she ordered a huge storm for that evening. The storm actually did arrive, and it was out of nowhere. Crazy high winds and rain. In manly fashion, Robby and Dave were outside trying to watch the storm, while we girls and kids, were inside trying to watch the news. It seriously got pitch black out, and was very scary. After the storm blew by, Dave and I headed home to our hotel in Green Bay. Hugging Amy goodbye, I told her I needed one more night of sleep, in which she remarked, “I won’t call you tonight.” And, we went on our way. I had text a girlfriend and stated, “Just left a Top Ten Day with their family. My heard is so full. We are so lucky!… Honestly no words could describe how we feel right now!”

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We arrived to the hotel absolutely exhausted, and excited for another wonderful night’s rest. After taking night time sleep meds, Dave and I crashed.

One hour later, she called. It barely rang before I answered. Amy, as calmly as I’ve heard her, said, “My water just broke.” It was 11:51, and we started to figure out our plan. Dave, literally, jumped out of bed and threw all of the hotel lights back on. Amy needed to reach someone to watch the kids, and we needed to drive from Green Bay to Appleton. We had all of our stuff we needed to pack up, as we had settled in to our little home. Dave and I have never moved so fast in our lives. The guy at the front desk of the hotel looked at us, oddly, as we had just arrived for our night, and now we were rushing out with all of our luggage and purchasing caffeine. I told him we were having a baby, and he looked at me like I was crazy.

We made it to the hospital first. I went into the ER asking where to go when you’re in labor, and, once again, got the crazy looks. A few minutes later came Amy and Robby, and we all got checked in quickly. We had figured this would be a very quick labor, as her last baby came very quickly after having her water break. Dave and I were just so excited that the time was finally here… we would meet our sweet son.

Little did we know, it would take a bit longer than we all thought. Our rockstar Amy didn’t have an epidural, and baby boy was stuck, sunny side up. Amy did such an outstanding job, and she was such a trooper. But, I will tell you, it is not ‘fun’ to watch someone endure labor for you. My tears started pretty quickly after we got checked into our room. Watching her contractions was awful. It was a guilt that I cannot ever explain, and unless someone else has carried your child, I imagine you won’t understand. Tears just streamed down my face. Non stop. My heart hurt. My stomach hurt. Everything in me hurt. I was reminded that I couldn’t carry a child. My body had failed me. And, because of that, my sweet friend was in pain; she was in lots of pain. I kept looking up at Dave, and he had the same look of despair on his face. Those moments were hard and so very painful. What I wouldn’t give to trade places with Amy, lying in that bed, her cheering me on. I wanted to take all of her hurt away, and begged God to speed up this process.

Robby coached Amy, and was an absolute saint! They make the greatest team ever. They are basically pros, as they have already been through this twice before. But this labor was different, and none of us knew why baby wasn’t coming out. I stood right by Amy’s head, and Dave right behind me, while Robby was right next to her, helping her every move. We had all made bets on the time he would arrive. Robby- 3:30am, Ashley 4:32 and Dave 3:14. The next five hours were brutal. Amy’s OB, who we love, got there about 5:00. We thought he would be here any minute, but poor Amy had to go through so much more. Shift change for the nurses was 6:00, but these sweet nurses were so vested in our story, they decided to stay. We had a wonderful team of staff. They were absolutely amazing! And so many of us cheering Amy on. I will admit, I was pretty quiet, as I was crying too hard to speak. I was barely able to cheer, I just stood right by her side, tears beaming down my face. I worried for Amy’s safety, and worried about the safety of my baby as well. Amy continued to push.

Brigham Leo Klein was finally born at 6:53am.

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He was beautiful. He had TONS of black hair, which I, too, had as a baby. The sobs began. I don’t think there was a dry eye in that room. The four of us all cried, and Dave and I cried like never before. The doctor put a blanket on Amy’s stomach, so that I would receive the first skin to skin. We did delayed cord clamping, and Daddy Dave got to cut the cord.

And, then, that moment was here. I got to hold my baby. I was wearing a gown, and the doctor walked right over to me, holding my son, and laid him right on my chest. And, I’m telling you, he snuggled right in, just as I had carried him, and we had never been apart. He knew I was his mommy. He was so warm, and it just felt so right having him on my chest. I couldn’t see him, but could finally feel him.

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Someone in this world needed us, and fully depended on us. Eventually, I got a look at his sweet face, and he was the perfect mix of us. For some reason, I had always pictured a mini Dave, so I was shocked to see he looked almost identical to my baby pictures. No matter what, he was ours. And he was perfectly ours. Forever.

 

 

 

 

Shortly after them placing him on my chest, Dave said, “Thank you Amy. And thank you Robby” I barely got it out, “YES! Amy, thank you. Thank you Robby.” And the boys went in for a big hug, which was one of my favorite parts of the morning. Lucky we have the entire birth on video, so we get to relive this moment. But, thank you just didn’t even seem like the right word. And, here I am, two months out, trying to find the right words. There are NO words that will ever be enough. No words in this lifetime, but perhaps Heaven will have those words.

I will never forget what was repeating in my head. I saw God today. I saw God today. I saw God today. I saw God today. Over and over and over. I witnessed the first breath of my child. And, I witnessed the most unselfish act a human can do. She birthed my child. For us. She made us parents. She fulfilled our dreams. She changed our lives. She changed our friends and family’s lives. She changed strangers lives. This, sweet soul, she changed the world. She impacted our lives in the greatest way possible. She showed us a new love. She is THE greatest human we know, and we can never repay her for the sacrifice she made. She made us happier than we have ever been. She brought life into our family. And, so did Robby. This team changed our lives. We are forever grateful and love you both!

Thank you, from the bottom of our hearts!! You are the greatest person we know, and we are forever changed because of you. Our sweet angel, our hero. And, until we can find the right words to say…..THANK YOU for helping bring our miracle to life. Thank you.

Love, Dave and Ashley

How I Survived Seven Rounds of IVF

On By TheBorrowedBump1 Comment

If you know me, you know that for a year and a half my life revolved around IVF. I tried fitting in as many damn rounds as possible. Or, so it seemed. One after another, over and over. I’ve had more shots (not the fun drinks) than I could count. I’m only two months out from my last round of IVF, and have been thinking of some advice, for those of you in the midst of it. So, here you go!

#1. LOVE YOUR SPOUSE
I remember the first IUI that didn’t work. It was a Tuesday morning in April, and raining like crazy. I took my test, and surprisingly saw one damn line. Not pregnant. The RE had said I would be such an easy case, plus I had been pregnant before, so I was pretty confident in this time. I went and told Dave, and his response was, “That sucks.” Oh man, I flipped. That sucks!? That is what he had to say. After a slight (okay maybe not so slight) freak out moment, Dave said to me, “I am just as upset and sad, but it is physically impossible for me to understand exactly how much this hurts you. I’m not the one on shots, I’m not the one that has to ‘feel’ all of this.” And, man was he right. It’s true. They won’t be able to understand exactly how it feels to be us. But, they do support us more than anyone in this world. This is their baby and story too. During some of our darkest days of our journey a friend of mine suddenly lost her husband. My heart broke. Absolutely broke. Still does for her, and she is beyond strong for continuing to put one foot in front of the other. This moment was a little wake up call for me. How lucky am I to be struggling to have a baby with THE greatest husband on earth? He is here, he is my best friend and biggest fan. What if I didn’t have him? I am so lucky. And that story changed me. It made me cling to him and appreciate him even more. I have seen infertility ruin marriages, and I have seen it strengthen them. It strengthened mine. We have gotten so close through the years, and we clung to each other through the struggle. I know it can be so hard, because men will be men. But, your spouse loves you, and is (hopefully) doing the best that they can to support you. Their heart is breaking too, so stick together and keep moving forward.

#2. FIND YOUR TRIBE
This, to me, is one of the very most important parts of an IVF journey. When I first started fertility shots, after a miscarriage three years ago, I was clueless when the doctor told me, “You have thin lining.” What the hell does that mean??? Over the months, I became a “not your typical case,” and… “we don’t know what else to try,” type of girl. So, what does one do? GOOGLE!! And, we know how that goes. Not well. My counselor suggested I sign up on a fertility site called, Resolve/Inspire, and it was the best thing I could have done. Please, go create an account, and I promise, you will find your tribe. http://www.resolve.org I remember my first post about CCRM and a girl named Betsy reached out to me, praising the facility and doctors at CCRM. She had just found out she was pregnant after an exhausting journey, and had a million wonderful things to say about CCRM. She and I quickly became friends, and it just was so awesome to find someone that understood the pain in my heart. Even though she was pregnant, she was so passionate about my story and wanted me to have my happy ending just as badly. She cheered from the sidelines, encouraged me, bossed me (haha we said she was like an older sister to me) and cried with me. She was, and still is, an amazing rock in my life.
Shortly after, while posting about thin lining and Asherman’s, I met a girl named Nancy. She was in the thick of her pain. My God, I wasn’t sure I could ever be as strong as her, and her story terrified me. There is NO way I could ever use a surrogate, or continue fighting and being as strong as she was. She, too, was a thin lining girl, and we clenched fists together, and crossed every thing we could to get our linings to increase. She was the first person I would email after an appointment, disappointed about my lining etc. And, I would be anxiously awaiting her lining news each time she saw her RE as well. She is the sole reason I was comfortable enough to pursue surrogacy a year after we met. We would email almost daily, and she answered all of my questions and worries. I will be forever grateful for these two women. I met so many other women on this site who gave me suggestions and support! It can be such a lonely road while going through this muck. And, most of my best friends, although so sad for me, just couldn’t understand how it felt to be in my shoes. Having women who could relate to me, simply saved me on MANY of my days. The past year I also met two more local friends through church and an IVF support group, and their stories were so similar to mine, it was eery. We are all now expecting our miracle babies this summer, and they will forever be best friends of mine. Find your tribe. Love the heck out of them.

#3. LOVE YOURSELF.
You are kicking ass at this. And you are inspiring someone to be braver. This is a hard process, and literally hurts ever piece of your body. Talk about feeling like a failure. Man, I couldn’t even carry a freaking baby. You think there were plenty of days I didn’t feel like a freaking failure and an absolute mess?! Of course I did. My husband’s numbers all checked out great, but me, oh shit I sucked. I have terribly thin lining, and then found out my eggs weren’t that awesome either. But, somehow I still treated myself kindly. I let myself have the days where sadness consumed me. I even ruined a day with Dave and his ailing dad at the farm (One of their last father son visits there,) calling him hysterically crying and begging him to come home because I couldn’t move and couldn’t get out of bed. Talk about feeling guilty, and almost hating myself. You have got to let yourself have those days. Don’t hide them. They suck. But, I truly believe the most important part is that you are strong enough to get back up. I always did, eventually get back up. Do what makes you feel better. Sometimes, I just needed a REALLY good night’s sleep, or a bath, a chat with a girlfriend, Mexican food (embarrassingly ate my feelings,) a long walk for fresh air, a spa day, journaling, etc. Do what makes YOU happy. Take care of you. This phase will end, eventually. I won’t promise that it will end the way you want it to end, but it will end and you WILL be okay. Just let yourself be sad, learn how to soothe yourself and be so very gentle to your heart. You are doing your best. Keep on going. And, keep on getting up.

#4. BE YOUR BIGGEST ADVOCATE
To me, being an expert at fertility was my thing. I like to dive deep into things, and learn it ALL. I do know too much about infertility, but I just have to know things. I learned so much online, and from other women on my sites. There were times I made suggestions to my doctors, and some of those suggestions helped! You can’t just sit back and expect your doctor to do it all. They will miss things. LEARN things. Even if you need to email me with questions, i am so happy to help. Learn the grading of blastocysts and learn what a morula is. This helped me so much and made me feel more in control. CCRM had put me on supplements, (google CCRM vitamin cocktail) and I had my best round while there. I wasn’t on my supplements for my two worst rounds. I had also run across women who used Human Growth Hormone (Saizen or Omnitrope) and had success with increasing egg quality. I brought that to my RE, and begged her to research it. She finally spent some time researching and put me on it. The two rounds that I used it (aside from my amazing first round when I was going to CCRM) are the rounds where I got my quality blasts. I strongly believe in supplements and HGH. The HGH doesn’t help for everyone, but why not try? My three frozen embryos all came from HGH rounds. I highly recommend reading the book It Starts With An Egg. This will go in to detail why supplements are so important. My biggest piece of advice is to get on CoQ10 immediately. It does take 2-4 months for supplements to help egg quality, so get started early. You need at least 400 mg per day, I did 800. I am such a believer in this, and every friend I have suggested this to, had much greater success after doing these supplements. Drastic difference. Find what works for you.

#5. EXPLAIN IVF TO THOSE YOU LOVE
Although my family and friends couldn’t truly understand what we were going through, they cared so much. They wanted this for us as badly. They don’t understand the process, and how could they? I explained the way the shots made me feel, and explained that my ovaries would go from the size of walnuts to grapefruits in just 10 days. I explained the weight gain, the no exercise rule, the emotions, thin lining etc. The people that have known and loved you forever, care more than most. If they are interested in learning, share this with them and it will help them to understand your pain and your craziness. Don’t just cut them out of your life. I got to the point where we stopped sharing all of the details, and that was beyond freeing. It took so much pressure off of us, and it helped to be able to finally surprise them with our exciting news.

#6. GET HELP.
This part took a while for me to accept, but it was a vital step in the process. Find yourself a counselor. I was lucky enough to find a counselor who had been through infertility herself, and works with women like me daily. She saved me on so many days. It was SO nice to have her support, and she worked with me to stop using harsh words towards myself and my ‘failing’ body. Her facility specialized in so many things that got me through this- Fertility Yoga, Femoral Massages, IVF Support Group to name a few. I met one of my best friends in the support group, and am so glad I stepped out of my comfort zone and walked into that group of hurting women. They got me. I also did acupuncture, and found a wonderful friend through my sessions. She, too had been through these struggles and helped me so much. I highly recommend Omaha Integrative Care and 13 Moons Acupuncture if you are local. Both amazing places. There were months that my life truly felt like it revolved around my IVF, and it did. But these appointments really helped me work through it all. Journaling and writing my thoughts also helped me. Find what helps you, and do it 🙂

I know, all too well, how awful it feels to be in the middle of IVF. I am sorry you are going through this. I will always have a place in my heart for any girl who is going through fertility. I love helping others, and obviously believe that we should all be there for each other. Although I am currently expecting my baby, via surrogacy, I do feel like a part of my heart will always be a tad broken, feeling left out of the ‘normal’ world. And, I feel a twinge of jealousy each time someone announces that they are expecting, and expecting easily. Sometimes I feel as if I will always be sitting on the sidelines, never being allowed to play for the team that doesn’t struggle. That team that wins and wins and wins. I put so much of my life into this game, while watching others just naturally succeed. I know this game by heart, and can play it in my sleep. It will always sting a bit. I know that. But, again, I will stand strong, and I will stand for all of you ‘infertile’ women and men. We have our own game, and although it may be more elite, and a different playing field, we can still win. And, we will.

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1,462 days later…HE ANSWERED

On By TheBorrowedBump7 Comments

kleins-21Things may not have happened the way that we thought
But between us and our army, we fought and we fought
We had so much fear, but always kept our hope
And even though we grew weary, we kept climbing that rope
We did all that we could and we searched high and low
Until we found the best of the best, oh how she glows.
She’s perfect for us, and we are over the moon
She will deliver Baby Klein sometime in June
God answered our prayers and our baby is quickly growing
We, as Mom and Dad, our hearts are overflowing.kleins-47

This is the poem that I wrote and gave to our parents on November 18. We are EXPECTING… FINALLLLLLLY! I know I have been quiet, and some of you may have guessed the reason. We transferred one sweet embryo (yes my egg and Dave’s sperm) on September 27th. We got our positive test four short days later, on October 1. This has absolutely been an amazing experience, and has been the turn in our story. The turn where everything just feels so much better. The pressure taken off of me, has been so refreshing, and if things go as planned, Baby BOY Klein will arrive the beginning of June.

We transferred one of our Colorado embryos, which we shipped to Chicago, IL, transferred in Chicago, baby will be born in WI, and home will be NE. Talk about a little adventurer. Oh, the places he will go and has already been!

We can hardly contain our excitement, but have been just normal to the outside world. We can’t wait for sweet baby to arrive. I have been writing some entries, just not posting, so I will start posting again, as I would love to share our experience with a gestational carrier , Amy, carrying our baby. We are currently 17 weeks, and I want to keep you informed of the pregnancy!

If you are reading this, and you still are trying to figure out how to get your sweet baby, I understand your pain. Please just know, that I was so scared (still am somedays, let’s be honest,) but this surrogacy journey has been the BEST part of our journey. And, so far, has been the most successful. If you find the right agency, which we found the most amazing one, then this process can be awesome. I truly think it can all depend on your carrier as well… and we got the BEST! So, although you may be scared, please let my story give you hope. We are so much closer to our baby. And I will continue to update on here.

Cheers to our best year yet! 2016 will awesome, and 2017 is looking to be even better. Thank you so much for your support!!! We prayed for 1,462 days… HE ANSWERED!

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The Queen of Thin Lining

On By TheBorrowedBumpLeave a comment

This post will be super boring for friends and family, so may want to skip this post. I am writing this in hopes to help out my fellow thin lining girls.

I am the opposite of impulsive. I think (way too much) about the decisions I make. And, those who know me best know that decision making is one of my worst skills. It takes me for freaking ever to come to any decision. One of my favorite things to do is to research anything and everything. Before purchasing, I will research the heck of things… hotels, flights, resorts, shoes, sheets, cars, shampoo, etc. The list literally would be miles long if I told you everything I researched. It drives a lot of people crazy, but I just think I’m really smart. HA!

So, it is no wonder that during my years of infertility, I have studied a ton. I hate to have this title, but I would consider myself a “Thin Lining Queen.” UGH. I used to scour the internet for hours upon hours. I would come home from work and try to find ways to cure my thin lining. I swear to you, I have tried everything. While I truly had no success, I thought I would write a blog post about what I have tried, in hopes that maybe it will help you!

I had thin lining while first trying for a baby, but I was also on Clomid, which you know thins your lining. After my miscarriage, I was able to do one IUI on Gonal F 75 iu, and my lining climbed up to 7.7. WOWZA! I can only imagine what it would have grown to, had I gotten the chance to increase my medications. This was the IUI where they decided to take a closer look into my uterus, they found “something” and ended up removing the placenta that had deeply attached to my uterus. Big sigh. After that surgery, I got Asherman’s Syndrome (scar tissue in the uterus.) My days of 7.7 were done.

Over the next year, I tried anything and everything to increase my endometrial lining, with no success.

*******I remember while I was searching, every time I found a blog online, and realized the girl had to pursue surrogacy, I would just want to curl up in a ball. If you are reading this post, and so far away from surrogacy, that is okay. I think you should keep trying. There are many, many, many women that get their lining to increase, and many that get pregnant on thin lining. So, do everything that you can. That is okay. Don’t give up. I will tell you, with complete honesty, that I am very excited that I get a chance to work with a surrogate. It took me years to come to terms with this, but I am here, and I am beyond happy. Don’t let this blog scare you

Here is the list I have compiled of different treatments I attempted for my lining:

CCRM (Colorado for Reproductive Medicine Trials)
Gonal F- (anywhere from 75 iu-450 iu)
Menopur
Estrace (up to 2mg 4 times a day)
Viagra (yep! gross!!!!) 4 times per day
Trental (Pentoxifylline) twice a day
Vivelle Patches, went up to 4 every other day
Del Estrogen- 2 injections weekly
Baby Aspirin (this is a small aspirin) one per day
And, wait for it…. Hyperbaric Oxygen Chamber Therapy. – This was crazy, and a research trial for CCRM, but it truly worked for some girls that I met. I would lay in the chamber (was nervous as it felt like a coffin, but it seriously wasn’t bad!) for 1.5 hours per day for 11 days. This has helped many athletes recovery from surgeries more quickly and works wonders… just not for me 🙂 Maybe I’m not athletic enough.

Natural Remedies:
Red Raspberry Leaf Tea- Twice Daily, do not drink after ovulation!!!
Pomegranate Juice, 8 oz twice daily
Vitamin B
Vitamin E- up to 1000 iu per day

Acupuncture
Femoral Massage
Fertility Yoga
Keeping feet warm, legs up
Castor Oil Packs on Stomach

The thickest my lining ever got during these treatments was 5.7, and it was usually around 5. During my last IVF cycle, my lining did get to 6.4 during stims, but once we had it monitored after my retrieval it had dropped to 3. The RE was shocked, but it may be something worth looking in to if you, too, are struggling with thin lining. If you have any questions please email me at theborrowedbump@gmail.com

I hope one of these remedies work for you. They have worked for many women. GOOD LUCK to you 🙂 Oh, and here are some pics of my HBO (Hyperbaric Oxygen)

Why Surrogate

On By TheBorrowedBump7 Comments

If you haven’t followed our story for the past few years, it may seem odd to you that we have decided to use a surrogate to carry our baby. This isn’t how we wanted our story to end (or begin,) but after years of struggles, we have decided that this is our best option. One thing I do want to point out is that we will be using my egg and Dave’s sperm, so the baby will have our genetic make up. Back when surrogacy began, it meant that the woman carrying your baby, was, more than likely, using her egg, and the father’s sperm. So, the term for someone who carries the intended parent’s egg and sperm is called a gestational carrier. So, we are using a gestational carrier, but I say surrogate to keep things easy.

I became pregnant in 2014.  We got to hear that wonderful heartbeat at 8 weeks, and I’ll never forget at our 10 week ultrasound she said, “Yes, the baby has grown, but unfortunately its heart has stopped.”  I immediately had a D&C (surgery to remove the baby.) We did genetic testing on the baby to find out it was 46XX, and that made everything more real. A girl. It was obviously an emotional and a terrible time for us, but we assumed we would get pregnant easily after that because it only took six months of truly trying to conceive this baby. We were so optimistic, yet so naive. Unfortunately, the doctor didn’t get the placenta out, and worse, she didn’t realize that for another two months. At that time, the placenta had very much attached to me. So, surgery #2 happened to remove the placenta. Again, we thought, “voila, this is it, we will be pregnant in no time!” Sadly, I didn’t get a period again, and after basically turning into a “Google Girl,” I continually begged my fertility specialist to take another look because I thought I had Asherman’s Syndrome. She laughed, and said there was no way.

Asherman’s Syndrome is very serious, and the doctors don’t talk to you (well mine didn’t) about the risks of a D&C. Asherman’s typically occurs after extensive damage to the uterus. It is scar tissue, and without having it removed, it’s unlikely for an embryo to implant and for a woman to become pregnant. I want to shout to the world… “If you ever have to have a D&C, and I pray you don’t, please know the risks!!!!!!” There is a 25% chance of being diagnosed with Asherman’s Syndrome after a D&C, yet, so many people aren’t aware of this condition.

After four more months of fertility, absent periods, obsessions with Google and begging my doctor, we decided to get a second opinion. It was the best thing we ever did. We went to Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine and Dr. Debra Minjarez was absolutely phenomenal. She took one look in me, and immediately let us know that I was scarred and had a zero percent chance of conceiving a child. Here we had been spending thousands of dollars on fertility each month in Omaha, and it never would have worked. So, onto the THIRD surgery…. ahhh!!! Dr. Minjarez was able to remove all of the scarring, and said 95% of the time, the uterine lining will return. Sadly, we tried every crazy thing (tons of drugs, hyperbaric oxygen, acupuncture, vitamins, fertility yoga, fertility massages, shopping, lots of wine …hahah… the list goes on) possible to get my lining back, but no such luck.

After two years of fertility, we have learned, that either I will get pregnant with thin lining (it does happen… just not as likely, but there is always hope, right?!) or we will use a gestational carrier to bring Baby Klein to us. We transferred a normal, genetically tested embryo in October, and the embryo didn’t end up attaching to my thin lining. After that, I kept thinking, had I transferred that embryo to a woman who could carry, I would be holding my baby boy in 2016. I’m trying not to be so selfish and give our future babies the best chances of coming into this world. And, this so happens to be the best route.

Please reach out to me if you ever have questions about Asherman’s Syndrome, miscarriage or a D&C. I would love to spread awareness and have this happen less and less. Wow, this was a long post, and too many facts for my liking, but we want you to know why we chose this path. I have met many “thin lining friends,” and that has helped lessen all of the pain.

Here is a link to the Asherman’s Website
http://www.ashermans.org

10.4.15

On By TheBorrowedBump1 Comment

IMG_8304It’s becoming more and more real that I will never ever carry a baby. I’m not sure if this is something that will ever be accepted by my heart, but I’m hoping that in time, love will outweigh the hurt. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my alternate route. I think I’ve gotten so wrapped up in “being pregnant” that sometimes I take my eye off the real end goal…. being a mom. I’ve been reminding myself all week that we could make it through this together. Would it be hard? Sure it would! Do i have the best partner to run this race with? Sure I do! And, we have God on our side. Somedays it seems like he’s not on our side, but I can’t help but think that he is truly trying to teach me something here. What is it? I just don’t know. But I think there is more to our journey than pain and hurt. There has to be. There has got to be a better ending. We are in such limbo right now. We continue to get our hopes up about my lining, and each appointment we learn that my body has, once again, failed us. Somedays I carry more anger than I should. I’m working on that.

I feel like I have a mountain in front of me right now. There’s so much to learn about using a gestational carrier. I found out this week that NE and MD are the two least surro friendly states…. awesome! Maybe one day I can change that and help other women. I will have our first call this week with an agency in WI. This should help answer a lot of our questions. The scariest part is the cost…. but we have agreed that it will be worth it one day. Our gestational carrier will, more than likely, live in another state. It’s definitely scary and intimidating coming to the fact that I won’t really be very involved in those 9 months. I may not be able to be at the appointments and see that pretty baby on ultrasounds. We may even (oh I hope not!) miss the birth of our sweet baby, but this will get us what we want. I have got to remember that. This will make us parents. This will start to fill our empty rooms and will start the greatest journey of our lives. We’ve got this! Together, we do!

So, we will continue to work on my lining for now. If we can get it to a decent number, even 5.5, we will transfer one at a time of our two precious embryos. It’s so hard to think that they may be “wasted” on my shitty lining. They are little humans and even their gender has been determined. After that, we will continue on with CCRM to make more embies, all the while deciding which agency we will use, and will start the long legal battle. We will be matched with a gestational carrier and go from there. We will meet her in person and determine if it’s the right fit. It’s so amazing to me that there are women out there that will do that for something. It’s the biggest gift ever, and she could be the person to make our dreams come true. I am praying for her already, as maybe we are just a small thought in her mind. I will continue to ask God to lead us in the right direction, and to hold our hands as we face many scary days. We are thankful for what we do have, and feel guilty for wanting more, but we still want more. We are more ready than ever for you, Baby Klein

The Word… 8.15.15

On By TheBorrowedBumpLeave a comment

She said the word. The word I had dreaded and the word that made me me sick not so long ago. The word that suggests that my fear will become a reality. The word that makes me feel like less of a woman and suggests that I will never carry my own baby. I will never feel that deep bond with someone I have never met. The word that means my struggle is heading down another path, and I’m up against a whole new battle. Someone else would have to carry MY child. As if my heart could break even more.

Surrogate. Jab.

I thought my pain was close to being over. Shouldn’t what I’ve experienced count for my misery? Every mother has gotten to feel “that,” right? A kick, a hiccup, a heart swelling from an ultrasound, some gross, sugary drink, an epidural and labor. I wouldn’t get to feel this. Isn’t this all a normal part of a woman’s life? Bearing a child. Should be. That’s what I have thought ever since I was a child. Women carry babies. Women give birth. Women become mothers. And they get to feel something that men will never, ever begin to feel.

Why did she say surrogate? “If you choose this in Nebraska, whoever carries your child, her name will be on the birth certificate and then you will have to petition the state of Nebraska to adopt your baby?” Adopt MY baby? It’s my egg, his sperm, and our embryo. This unfairness pains me. How can someone steal this from me?

I want to cup my hand on my stomach, giving my unborn child a reassuring touch. I want to hum songs and laugh, knowing that sweet baby can hear me. I want to know that someone else in this world needs me. I want all of those terrible things too- the stretch marks, the morning sickness, the sleep deprivation. Bring it on! I would take it all. I would take the chance of losing anything I have ever liked about my body. In a heartbeat, I would. That nine months of fear, I want that. I just want to bear my own baby. Before they even see me, I want them to know me. I want that irreplaceable bond.

I don’t know how to accept this. I’m working on it. I have been working on it for over a year, and every time I fail, the idea becomes more real. Scary, yet closer to the end. I believe that we are getting closer to the answer, even if it isn’t the answer in which I have prayed. I saw a quote this week that said, “I don’t know where my story will end, but I do know that nowhere on the pages, will it say, ‘She gave up!’” I love that. And, I will live that. Maybe this is just my story, my path, my answer. I don’t have to accept it today. I can think on it, sleep on it and cry many long nights on it. But I will make it.

Life isn’t easy. It’s beautiful, but God never promised it to be perfect. We all struggle. Yet, we all have lives that someone else is praying to have.

If having “her” carry my baby is the way my story unfolds, then that is my story. There has to be beauty in this. I promise to inspire someone through this. I will get to hold my baby, no matter how that baby comes to me. I will be a mommy, and I will have so many sleepless nights. I will rock that baby to sleep, and love them just as I would, had I carried them. I love them already. I will love them unconditionally. That is what being a mommy is. So here I am. Waiting for years for you and counting down the days until I hold you. Loving you already.

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