Growing Quickly in Our Hearts.

DSC_9042k

The past month has been a whirlwind. Robby and Amy came to see us in March, and it was honestly one of the very best weekends of my life. We were SO excited to share them with our friends and family, and to share our friends and family with them! We just wanted them to see our home, and see where little baby will grow up. We had so much fun!

Saturday morning we went to a little boutique ultrasound place in town, and we got to see Baby Klein. He has started to get some cheeks, and still has crazy long legs, like his daddy. He is so sweet and cute, of course! He was pretty sleepy during the appointment, so he wasn’t wanting to move very much. Not like his big debut at his 20 week anatomy scan. He finally started moving a bit, and Amy asked if I wanted to feel her tummy, while he kicked! YES!!! Oh my gosh…. AMAZING feeling. Dave ended up snapping some pics, so I will cherish those forever. Our appointment was about an hour long, and the ultrasound tech was amazing. She teared up at the end and told us she would remember this appointment forever. You could tell she was very moved, and she was so interested in how this all works. I love sharing our story with others, and you just see their hearts swell, when they see a stranger carrying my baby.

DSC_9197k

Then we had about fifty friends and family over that afternoon to meet our heroes. It was just such a wonderful day. Our families just loved meeting them and seeing ‘our bump.’ Everyone LOVED both Amy and Robby!!! It’s hard not to smile the minute you meet them, and Amy seriously has THE sweetest smile ever!! She just makes you feel at peace and you can tell how huge her heart is. What a perfect person to carry our baby. We finished the evening, just the four of us, at dinner chatting about everything about that day. It was just awesome to have everyone be able to put faces with names. They loved seeing our life, and seeing all of the support we have, and how loved Baby Klein is already. Saying goodbye to them that evening was SO hard on me. I just didn’t want to let her go, and definitely cried when they left. So many feelings. And I couldn’t help but think that the next time we see them is baby time!!!!

DSC_9243k

I have also been lucky enough to have baby showers the past few weeks. I have had three (and one more this week)… which is crazy, and amazing all at once 🙂 When I started thinking of using a surrogate, I remember wondering if I would still have a baby shower. Yes, of course I would. I have still gotten to experience all of those amazing parts of a new mom expecting a baby. My heart, at each shower, felt like it was going to burst. I know I say that a lot, but that is the best way for me to explain how I feel. We just have such wonderful and supportive friends and family. And, the girls that threw my showers just made me feel so special. I honestly just kept feeling like I was dreaming. I never thought I would get this far. Baby showers have always been one of the hardest events for me. I love supporting my friends, but they were hard, because I didn’t believe that my turn would ever come. Well, my turn is finally here. And, I’m loving every minute of it.

Amy is still so sweet and keeps me in the loop on the progress of Baby Klein. She sends us updated belly bump pictures, and I just love seeing them and seeing my sweet boy. I remember before we started this process, the thought of seeing a belly bump picture of my future surrogate made me so sad, but I couldn’t feel more opposite! Those pictures brighten any of my days. They give me so much hope, and I’m always in awe that some sweet soul is doing this for ME. She sends us heart beat recordings, tells us what she craves, how much he moves, and even does belly buds so he can hear our crazy voices. She has made me feel so special and important in this pregnancy, and I couldn’t have ever imagined a better gestational carrier.

DSC_9005k

Time is quickly passing. I have heard this so many times from my friends that have struggle to get pregnant. They’ve always said that if it takes you years to get pregnant, the nine months of pregnancy fly by. I have been so used to living my life in 2-4 week increments. Patience is a must during the long cycles of IVF. So now that we have an end date/goal in mind, the days are flying. I cannot believe that I will soon hold my sweet precious boy. His nursery is almost complete, and our house is over flowing with all things baby. So many generous hearts out there giving us amazing gifts and continually praying for Dave, myself, and baby.

As happy and excited as I am, I am prepared to feel a little ‘sad’ after the birth. Not sad that he is here, obviously, but sad that this amazing surrogacy journey will be complete. I already know that the bond between Amy and me will last forever. We will still chat often, and I want her to see pics of our son. We have talked about the future, and how we can do family vacations up to WI, and they can bring the kids here sometime in the next year or two. We have made lifetime friends. And we absolutely hit the jackpot with them. They are the reason this crazy ride has seemed so calm. They have changed our path. I thank God for them daily, and they will forever be two of the biggest hearts in my entire life story. I picture myself, after raising my children and looking back on life… and I know Robby and Amy will be that change in our story. We will love and cherish them forever.

DSC_9348k

The Detour to My Bump

When I look back on my life, I can promise you, I always had a clear vision of becoming a mom. I wasn’t always sure what I wanted to ‘be’ when I grew up, but having the mom title was a must and was something I never questioned. Borrowing a bump from someone, however, was not in my plans. Not even a thought.

Borrowing a bump was actually, at one point, my biggest fear. There was no way I could/would ever trust another woman to take care of my baby, and I sure as heck was not interested in not being part of that “pregnant club,” where moms chat about the feeling of kicks, nausea, child birth and loving a child from the inside out. I would definitely want to do that. Child birth stories scare me, but I’ve always known that joy of meeting your first child must be greater than the pain, because it seems most people continue to have a second. I would definitely want two or three, and I knew that pain would be worth it. I actually just couldn’t wait till I could join my friends in that club. I never realized that my time in that club would be such a short stay. A very short lived dream, ending in heart ache.

From that point on, I put my heart and soul into getting back into that club. Each moment of my days, I did all that I could to help myself get back. My obsession was fierce, my passion immense. And each time one of my doctors would mention surrogacy, it made me want to fight even harder to get back in. I gave it my everything. I did all that I could, but I never did get back into that place I wanted to be. I would never get to carry my child.

I had no idea where my turning point would be, and looking back, I can see the days that my heart started to change. I was growing through my pain and heart ache. I entered a new chapter in my book and was scared out of my mind. But, this chapter would end up going down as the most amazing, proud, happy, thankful, grateful chapter. This is where my story turned. And, I took the road less traveled into surrogacy.

So many times in life, we try and try and try. And, no matter what, we just cannot succeed. We learn as children, that if you put your heart to something, you will succeed. That’s not true at all. How many times in life are we told no? We want something so badly, but God says no. And, at the time, we are furious. But, what we need to realize is that he truly has something amazing planned for each of us. Even in our hardest moments, there is purpose. Even if this hurt doesn’t change your own life, you surely are changing someone else’s life. Someone is watching. Someone is learning. Someone is changing. Someone is growing. All because of your pain. He truly does use us for this.

I’ve realized, lately, more than ever, that my story is impacting others. I had many days where I was completely knocked down, and lost the fight by a mile. But I kept standing as tall as I could. Somedays my steps were slower than other days, but I always moved forward. And, I’m so glad I did. Had I given up, I wouldn’t be gearing up to meet my sweet baby boy. I could have said, “enough,” and stopped the fight. But I didn’t. I accepted another path. It has been one of the best decisions we have ever made. This has been the hardest journey I’ve yet to experience, but now is the most incredible adventure I’ve seen.

And, I do believe this is how life is. It’s hard, it’s unfair and you will be thrown more curve balls than you hope. But, it’s absolutely beautiful. We are all going to have so many wonderful times, but we will each get knocked down. What will you do when you get knocked down? Will you stop and give up? Will you keep going? Will you accept another option/path? I hope you do. Because, often, what’s on the other side, will be the most breathtaking view you may ever see.

Half Way There.

fullsizerender-6

I’ve been awful at updating this blog. My sole purpose was to help other women who are struggling with infertility or struggling with the idea of surrogacy, and now i am slacking. I also wanted to use it as a way to update friends and family on our pregnancy. I told Dave the other night, that I feared if someone came across our blog, and saw no updates, they may think things haven’t been going too well, but they actually couldn’t be going better!

Things have been going much better than I ever would have planned with our surrogacy pregnancy. We went up to Wisconsin two weeks ago for our anatomy scan. I was so excited for that appointment but SO worried too. I’m the type of person that can get myself all bent out of shape about anything. It is so annoying. I was worried about the baby, obviously, but also really worried about how I may feel while facing the reality that the baby is not inside me. For weeks, I thought about it. I have had such positive feelings since we were matched, and I kept wondering if those jealous/bitter feelings would ever come. I wondered if they would come when that baby popped up on the screen. Man, I worried. And I worried for absolutely nothing.

I did not feel one negative feeling. Nothing. I even tried to search for it (gosh, I’m weird,) and it was no where in my heart. I felt pure JOY. Honestly, I felt something that I have never felt before, and I truly cannot even explain it. Seeing that baby up on that screen, and knowing he was mine, well, that was THE best feeling in the world. For a minute, I thought to myself, “so THIS, this is what the struggles were for, this is the prize.” And, man, does it seem worth it. It’s crazy to have these feelings while he isn’t even here yet, but I feel them, and I’m truly shocked.

Amy looked adorable and barely had a little bump! She is a much cuter pregnant woman, than I would be! Our appointment was so wonderful, and we loved seeing our baby boy for the very first time. He was “so cooperative,” so that’s what the tech said. I told her that was probably just foreshadowing his future… I mean, that’s what little boys are all about, right? I am sure he will always be so cooperative;) I sat right next to Amy, and Dave next to me. He was moving right away. He was soooo cute. He would put one foot up to the screen, and then the next foot, then put them together. I asked her if she could feel all of that movement, and she only felt some of it. It was just amazing seeing him. And, he was healthy… that’s the BEST part!!!! We got to meet Amy’s doctor, which was wonderful as well. She was great! Then we got to go and meet Amy’s kids, and they were the sweetest and SO adorable!!! It was so fun to finally meet them face to face! Then, the four of us had dinner and talked for hours. We talked about how the birth will be. It’s so fun that Amy and her husband will both be with us, and witness the greatest moment of our lives. We toured the hospital which made everything seem so much more real! June will be here before we know it! It was so fun being with Amy, and I loved the thought that baby boy was with us the entire time, too. I do miss him often, and wish he could be right with us all of the time, but that will happen very soon.

Surrogacy has been 100,000 times better than I would have imagined. And, I know, the biggest reason that it has been so wonderful is because we were matched so perfectly with our Amy. She is the sweetest and greatest person ever. She is our angel. I have never truly felt this way about anyone else, and unless you have been an intended mom, I don’t know that you could understand this feeling. We truly love her. It’s not the same love that I have for my family and best friends, it’s this love that I cannot even explain. It’s a different part of my heart, that I never knew existed. A different part of my heart is beating, and exploding with joy. It’s this feeling that I haven’t felt before, but, then again, no one has ever carried my baby.:) Like, my heart could literally burst. She is carrying my baby, my everything. She is changing our world… forever. Changing our life. I still cannot believe that there was someone out there that wanted to do this for us. And, I never could have fathomed these feelings. Some words that come to mind are pure joy, gratefulness, amazement, over the moon happy, love, peace… it’s like any wonderful feeling combined into one and magnified by a thousand. I do feel like the luckiest girl on earth, and a year ago I felt far from that. I still have to pinch myself that this is truly happening. I am going to be a mommy. And it’s because of a huge sacrifice of someone else. This journey has been the best thing I have ever been a part of, thanks to Amy. Our sweet hero.

The Light of our Darkness

I’ve really been struggling with this post. This week has been tough, for the entire world. There is so much sadness out there, everywhere. It’s so far away, yet so close to home. My heart has been hurting for everyone involved in the tragedies of the world. I cannot imagine the feeling of loved ones not even coming home, after a normal day (or supposed to be normal.) My heart breaks a lot this week.

The hurt that is closest to my heart, though, is my father in law, Gary, who has frontal temporal lobe dementia. We have dementia and Alzheimer’s on both sides of our family. It is a terrible disease, and I think most can relate. Gary has been declining so much the past six months or so, and this past weekend it got much worse. We have had him on a waiting list for a memory care unit, but now we are afraid we need to start looking for a unit that will accept more progressed patients. Watching my best friend’s heart break all week, was one of the worst things I have yet to see. I hate seeing Dave hurt. He is honestly THE best son that I know, and his dad’s entire world lights up when Dave walks in the door. Melt my heart! They both have the “Klein Smile” and they shine so bright when they get time together. I am so proud of Dave. He is the best care giver ever, and we are so blessed that Gary only lives a few miles from us. My role is to be the funny one and make Gary laugh. I love this job! Years ago on a vacation together, we became “besties” so that’s my name over there. One of my favorite things is doing a crazy dance move, voices etc, and then watching him belt out in laughter. These are the moments to live for. They really are.

I feel that parents getting older is just the inevitable, but it just sucks!!! We will all experience this, at one point in life. Some, much earlier than others. My mother lost her dad when she was seven, and her mom in her late twenties. It makes me so thankful that we have our parents around, but it is still so hard to go through times like this.

Then, you can hardly turn on the news or radio without crying lately. I just don’t understand what this world is coming to. All of these tragedies are so awful. How can you justify being happy in times like this?

It’s hard when there are so many bad things going on around you to smile about anything. It’s like you are going to feel guilty for smiling or being happy. But, Dave put it perfectly the other night, and I still cry thinking about it, this world is so terrible, but there are so many wonderful people out there as well. As the world is so dark, there are SO many bright hearts out there. We got to meet our very own sweet, sweet angel soul last week. It’s in those times of darkness, those flickers of light take up your entire heart.

It’s unbelievable to me, that somewhere, states away from us, there are two sweet souls wanting to change our entire life, with out even knowing us. It’s hard to accept and even believe, really. People can be so cruel, but then you have THE nicest, best humans out there. And, I can’t think of anything more amazing than bringing life into this world for another couple that can’t. Somewhere in the middle of WI, as our hearts were breaking month after month, there was another heart out there wanting to help someone. Someone who felt so passionate about helping strangers become parents that she brought the idea up to her husband, who naturally, thought she was crazy. She took the first steps and applied to our agency, and then she and her husband went through a 4-5 hour psych evaluation, just like we did in the Spring. And then our agency decided that the four of us would make the perfect match! And, so we met.

This is how I’ve been explaining the whole situation. Okay, so, imagine going on the best blind date of your life. You go and meet up with someone, and fall in love with every single thing about them. The date goes so well, even better than you expected. You can see them being “the one.” No red flags, none. You leave that date on Cloud 9, and you are giddy for days. It’s the ONLY thing you can think about. Your heart is so happy and bursting with so many great emotions. Your mind gets way ahead of the game, and you see the future with them in it. You start believing that there is a reason for your painful past, because it brought you here. And, then, you wake up, and reality sinks in. Your head starts thinking and your mind goes crazy. What if it doesn’t work? What if something goes wrong? What if this is the beginning of another part of life where your heart gets broken? Then life continues to happen around you, and sadness sneaks in. How is it okay to be SO happy when everything else is going wrong, and so many people are hurt? Is it okay to fall in love? So you put this guard up.

Get it? It’s the only way to describe how I feel. I feel SO amazing. The “date” could NOT have gone any better. She and her husband are some of the greatest people we have met. They are people that we would want as friends in our life. She is exactly the type of woman I would trust carrying my child. It’s strange to say that after one “date,” but it’s how I feel. So many previous worries left my mind. The guys chatted tons too, which I loved. I think this is going to be the most incredible, magical, absurd chapter in our life, and the truth is, I cannot wait. I think the four of us will be a team that dominates infertility. I want to scream it on the rooftops… “I AM GOING TO BE A MOM!!!” We are getting that much closer to our sweet ending.

So here is where the whole guard thing comes up. We still have to go through medical and legal, which is a long game as well. This will take many more months, so hang tight. ! I am just praying everything goes smoothly. In the meantime, I am in the middle of IVF #5 (hormone central right here) and the thought of these eggs I’m cooking, may one day be in her as she cooks them into a real life baby, makes me smile, and keeps me going!! She is that piece to our puzzle, that we have been missing for so long. They are both the light to our darkness, our hope to so many of our fears. We are so excited, nervous, thankful, … I would say EVERY emotion possible to start this journey. Beyond thankful for the light in our world. It shines brighter than our pain.

FullSizeRender-5

We’ve Been Matched!

This has been a crazy, exciting week!!! Lots of you have been asking for posts, and I’ve been a little quiet. I didn’t really have much to report, except I was crazy anxious and hoping to be matched soon. The anxiety of who she would be was killing me!!

Well, we have NEWS!!!! We were presented a match on Wednesday. I was driving home from work when I got the call, and I literally squealed out loud when I saw who was calling. It was Mary, our amazing agency friend who has made everything better and easier, saying she had a profile for us. Oh, I have seriously anticipated this day for months. We talked for a little bit, but she wouldn’t give info until Dave was on the phone too. So, I rushed home, and then, you know guys…. I flew in the door, ready to call Mary back. Well, he had to get a pop, run upstairs, etc…. I was like, “COME ON DAVE!!!” It reminded me that when my mom went into labor, my dad had to turn around because he forgot his coffee! Ha. They are twins 🙂

Mary told us all about her before sending us her profile. She lives about 8 hours from us, and you guys, she is ADORABLE!!!! She’s in a great marriage and has wonderful support. She’s a mom of two and works as a dental hygienist part time, and her husband is a network applications engineer. Obviously the fact that she wants to carry a stranger’s baby should tell you enough about what a selfless, amazing person she is. She had really easy, uncomplicated pregnancies and would like to help others to become parents. I cried seeing her pics and reading her application. So far, from what I have read and seen, she is everything I would want in a carrier. She is a healthy, active, small town-family girl! So cute! It was a no brainer to say yes to her profile. Then on Thursday, they sent her our profile. I was so nervous during that 24 hours, not knowing what they would think! I go the call yesterday around 11 that they accepted our file and wanted to work with us!!! Tears of joy!!!

It is so amazing to me that women sign up for this for complete strangers. Can you even imagine? These women are seriously saints. They are willing to truly make LIFE come true. They help people like us become parents!!! We finally have a chance to start a family, all because of one sweet soul. We are so thankful that she has decided to put her heart, body, life out there, and is willing to help us with our #1 dream. Thankful isn’t even enough to describe the way I am feeling. I cannot stop thinking about them. I have the happiest heart right now.

So, now, the fun part- we get to meet!!! We are already getting to meet her next Friday in Madison. We were going to be in Chicago that Thursday, and had planned to fly in and out quick for our Dr. appointment, but we threw out that date of Friday, and it worked for everyone involved. So, we will drive up to Madison for our match meeting Friday. We get to meet her and her husband! It’s like a huge blind date! I am sure all of us will be super nervous and anxious. It’s a huge thing for someone to go out on a limb and offer to carry a baby for someone else. Oh, I just cannot wait. Things are finally moving forward.

The support from friends and family has been unreal! Our sweet neighbors/friends gave us this cute May Day treat after we told them about our decision to pursue surrogacy. When I got home work yesterday, I whipped out the tiny bottle of champagne and told Dave, “let’s go celebrate!!!” So, we went to dinner and talked in excitement about the next steps. And, finally slept so hard last night!

FullSizeRender-4

 

The past month just seemed to drag. I just felt like we were in a stand still, and nothing was moving forward. Here we are… July… and it’s going to be a huge month! Thursday, first appointment at FCI in Chicago, Friday match meeting, and Sunday I start my meds for this upcoming IVF cycle.

I’ve been excited about writing this post for a long time. It’s finally here, and I cannot stop smiling! Dave and I are over the moon happy. Please keep us, and our sweet potential surrogate and her family in your thoughts and prayers this upcoming week.

FullSizeRender-3

Announcement from the Klein’s.

After years of thinking on it and writing out my story I have decided to start a blog. This way I can keep our friends and family informed on our crazy ride! We are thrilled to officially announce that we have decided on a surrogacy agency and submitted our application! We feel anxious, scared, crazy, and mostly excited for a new path. The longer you struggle on one path, the more attractive the other road looks, and we have come to that fork in the road where the next path seems more appealing that what we have. The process is much like adoption, and it’s a long waiting game. Our agency, The Surrogacy Center, in Madison, WI told us that the process is typically 15-18 months from application to birth! This means, we could have a baby in our arms by the Fall of 2017! After this much of a wait, that seems unreal and amazing. Our next step will be going to Madison, WI in May, where we will do our psych evaluation (4-5 hours!!!) and meet the team that is matching us. Then, once they find us a match, they will call us, show us her profile, and we will go from there.

The detour to our bump has been nothing short of heartbreaking. But we truly feel that this is where the road turns; this is where we find our hope.

Dave has been amazing though all of this, and has fought this fight right alongside me. Through the bumps in the road, I have grown stronger, and can honestly say that I’ve never been more proud of myself. I have had plenty of days where the tears just won’t stop and the pain in my heart is unreal, but I have also learned that I have more people on my side than I could even imagine. If prayers were the only thing we needed to have a baby, we would have enough babies to fill this house, but I have learned over time, that God has a different plan. I’ve learned instead of asking WHY WHY WHY, ask HOW….. how can I use this to make a difference? How can God use me and my story to help someone else? I have been so passionate through this journey about helping other couples who struggle with infertility. Unless you have struggled, it’s hard for you to fully understand. And, if you have struggled, I am so sorry. I know the pain down deep in your heart. I would take it away if I could, I really would. I wouldn’t wish infertility on anyone in this world. Things like this don’t make sense, and we may never have an answer of “why,” but we will move forward and I promise everything to my heart, that I WILL make a difference. My detour will help someone, I can guarantee that.

I hope you enjoy my blog! I will be using this to keep you all updated. Thank you for your love and prayers.

The Girl That I’ve Become.

 

It’s hard to explain to you
the girl that I’ve become
This chapter in life has changed me
more than any other one
It’s ripped me into pieces and left
me lying on the floor
It’s taken away my pride
It’s stripped me to the core
It’s left me feeling empty
only a broken heart to show
It’s hurt my heart and spirit
more than you could ever know
I’ve been negative about this life,
something I’m not known to be
I’m overwhelmed with bitterness and fear
and consumed with jealousy
The tears roll down my face
Another month gone by
The ending doesn’t make sense
and I wonder if God even hears my cry
But the girl I’ve become is stronger
than the girl I used to be
I’m not even sure the girl of the past
would even recognize me
I’ve fought so many sleepless nights
but managed still to smile
This girl that I’ve become
will be here for a while
No where in my story will they
ever say, “she decided to quit.”
Because I’m stronger than that option
And, oh, my fire’s been lit
With my head held high and fists in the air
I will continue this bumpy fight
I’m not sure how my story will end
but I know it will be alright
One way or another
my baby you will be
you’ll be worth the longest fight
my pain will be set free
The courage I have gathered
has kept me standing tall
The girl that I’ve become will continue to stand
no matter how many times I fall

10.4.15

IMG_8304It’s becoming more and more real that I will never ever carry a baby. I’m not sure if this is something that will ever be accepted by my heart, but I’m hoping that in time, love will outweigh the hurt. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my alternate route. I think I’ve gotten so wrapped up in “being pregnant” that sometimes I take my eye off the real end goal…. being a mom. I’ve been reminding myself all week that we could make it through this together. Would it be hard? Sure it would! Do i have the best partner to run this race with? Sure I do! And, we have God on our side. Somedays it seems like he’s not on our side, but I can’t help but think that he is truly trying to teach me something here. What is it? I just don’t know. But I think there is more to our journey than pain and hurt. There has to be. There has got to be a better ending. We are in such limbo right now. We continue to get our hopes up about my lining, and each appointment we learn that my body has, once again, failed us. Somedays I carry more anger than I should. I’m working on that.

I feel like I have a mountain in front of me right now. There’s so much to learn about using a gestational carrier. I found out this week that NE and MD are the two least surro friendly states…. awesome! Maybe one day I can change that and help other women. I will have our first call this week with an agency in WI. This should help answer a lot of our questions. The scariest part is the cost…. but we have agreed that it will be worth it one day. Our gestational carrier will, more than likely, live in another state. It’s definitely scary and intimidating coming to the fact that I won’t really be very involved in those 9 months. I may not be able to be at the appointments and see that pretty baby on ultrasounds. We may even (oh I hope not!) miss the birth of our sweet baby, but this will get us what we want. I have got to remember that. This will make us parents. This will start to fill our empty rooms and will start the greatest journey of our lives. We’ve got this! Together, we do!

So, we will continue to work on my lining for now. If we can get it to a decent number, even 5.5, we will transfer one at a time of our two precious embryos. It’s so hard to think that they may be “wasted” on my shitty lining. They are little humans and even their gender has been determined. After that, we will continue on with CCRM to make more embies, all the while deciding which agency we will use, and will start the long legal battle. We will be matched with a gestational carrier and go from there. We will meet her in person and determine if it’s the right fit. It’s so amazing to me that there are women out there that will do that for something. It’s the biggest gift ever, and she could be the person to make our dreams come true. I am praying for her already, as maybe we are just a small thought in her mind. I will continue to ask God to lead us in the right direction, and to hold our hands as we face many scary days. We are thankful for what we do have, and feel guilty for wanting more, but we still want more. We are more ready than ever for you, Baby Klein

The Word… 8.15.15

She said the word. The word I had dreaded and the word that made me me sick not so long ago. The word that suggests that my fear will become a reality. The word that makes me feel like less of a woman and suggests that I will never carry my own baby. I will never feel that deep bond with someone I have never met. The word that means my struggle is heading down another path, and I’m up against a whole new battle. Someone else would have to carry MY child. As if my heart could break even more.

Surrogate. Jab.

I thought my pain was close to being over. Shouldn’t what I’ve experienced count for my misery? Every mother has gotten to feel “that,” right? A kick, a hiccup, a heart swelling from an ultrasound, some gross, sugary drink, an epidural and labor. I wouldn’t get to feel this. Isn’t this all a normal part of a woman’s life? Bearing a child. Should be. That’s what I have thought ever since I was a child. Women carry babies. Women give birth. Women become mothers. And they get to feel something that men will never, ever begin to feel.

Why did she say surrogate? “If you choose this in Nebraska, whoever carries your child, her name will be on the birth certificate and then you will have to petition the state of Nebraska to adopt your baby?” Adopt MY baby? It’s my egg, his sperm, and our embryo. This unfairness pains me. How can someone steal this from me?

I want to cup my hand on my stomach, giving my unborn child a reassuring touch. I want to hum songs and laugh, knowing that sweet baby can hear me. I want to know that someone else in this world needs me. I want all of those terrible things too- the stretch marks, the morning sickness, the sleep deprivation. Bring it on! I would take it all. I would take the chance of losing anything I have ever liked about my body. In a heartbeat, I would. That nine months of fear, I want that. I just want to bear my own baby. Before they even see me, I want them to know me. I want that irreplaceable bond.

I don’t know how to accept this. I’m working on it. I have been working on it for over a year, and every time I fail, the idea becomes more real. Scary, yet closer to the end. I believe that we are getting closer to the answer, even if it isn’t the answer in which I have prayed. I saw a quote this week that said, “I don’t know where my story will end, but I do know that nowhere on the pages, will it say, ‘She gave up!’” I love that. And, I will live that. Maybe this is just my story, my path, my answer. I don’t have to accept it today. I can think on it, sleep on it and cry many long nights on it. But I will make it.

Life isn’t easy. It’s beautiful, but God never promised it to be perfect. We all struggle. Yet, we all have lives that someone else is praying to have.

If having “her” carry my baby is the way my story unfolds, then that is my story. There has to be beauty in this. I promise to inspire someone through this. I will get to hold my baby, no matter how that baby comes to me. I will be a mommy, and I will have so many sleepless nights. I will rock that baby to sleep, and love them just as I would, had I carried them. I love them already. I will love them unconditionally. That is what being a mommy is. So here I am. Waiting for years for you and counting down the days until I hold you. Loving you already.

IMG_6512