The Light of our Darkness

I’ve really been struggling with this post. This week has been tough, for the entire world. There is so much sadness out there, everywhere. It’s so far away, yet so close to home. My heart has been hurting for everyone involved in the tragedies of the world. I cannot imagine the feeling of loved ones not even coming home, after a normal day (or supposed to be normal.) My heart breaks a lot this week.

The hurt that is closest to my heart, though, is my father in law, Gary, who has frontal temporal lobe dementia. We have dementia and Alzheimer’s on both sides of our family. It is a terrible disease, and I think most can relate. Gary has been declining so much the past six months or so, and this past weekend it got much worse. We have had him on a waiting list for a memory care unit, but now we are afraid we need to start looking for a unit that will accept more progressed patients. Watching my best friend’s heart break all week, was one of the worst things I have yet to see. I hate seeing Dave hurt. He is honestly THE best son that I know, and his dad’s entire world lights up when Dave walks in the door. Melt my heart! They both have the “Klein Smile” and they shine so bright when they get time together. I am so proud of Dave. He is the best care giver ever, and we are so blessed that Gary only lives a few miles from us. My role is to be the funny one and make Gary laugh. I love this job! Years ago on a vacation together, we became “besties” so that’s my name over there. One of my favorite things is doing a crazy dance move, voices etc, and then watching him belt out in laughter. These are the moments to live for. They really are.

I feel that parents getting older is just the inevitable, but it just sucks!!! We will all experience this, at one point in life. Some, much earlier than others. My mother lost her dad when she was seven, and her mom in her late twenties. It makes me so thankful that we have our parents around, but it is still so hard to go through times like this.

Then, you can hardly turn on the news or radio without crying lately. I just don’t understand what this world is coming to. All of these tragedies are so awful. How can you justify being happy in times like this?

It’s hard when there are so many bad things going on around you to smile about anything. It’s like you are going to feel guilty for smiling or being happy. But, Dave put it perfectly the other night, and I still cry thinking about it, this world is so terrible, but there are so many wonderful people out there as well. As the world is so dark, there are SO many bright hearts out there. We got to meet our very own sweet, sweet angel soul last week. It’s in those times of darkness, those flickers of light take up your entire heart.

It’s unbelievable to me, that somewhere, states away from us, there are two sweet souls wanting to change our entire life, with out even knowing us. It’s hard to accept and even believe, really. People can be so cruel, but then you have THE nicest, best humans out there. And, I can’t think of anything more amazing than bringing life into this world for another couple that can’t. Somewhere in the middle of WI, as our hearts were breaking month after month, there was another heart out there wanting to help someone. Someone who felt so passionate about helping strangers become parents that she brought the idea up to her husband, who naturally, thought she was crazy. She took the first steps and applied to our agency, and then she and her husband went through a 4-5 hour psych evaluation, just like we did in the Spring. And then our agency decided that the four of us would make the perfect match! And, so we met.

This is how I’ve been explaining the whole situation. Okay, so, imagine going on the best blind date of your life. You go and meet up with someone, and fall in love with every single thing about them. The date goes so well, even better than you expected. You can see them being “the one.” No red flags, none. You leave that date on Cloud 9, and you are giddy for days. It’s the ONLY thing you can think about. Your heart is so happy and bursting with so many great emotions. Your mind gets way ahead of the game, and you see the future with them in it. You start believing that there is a reason for your painful past, because it brought you here. And, then, you wake up, and reality sinks in. Your head starts thinking and your mind goes crazy. What if it doesn’t work? What if something goes wrong? What if this is the beginning of another part of life where your heart gets broken? Then life continues to happen around you, and sadness sneaks in. How is it okay to be SO happy when everything else is going wrong, and so many people are hurt? Is it okay to fall in love? So you put this guard up.

Get it? It’s the only way to describe how I feel. I feel SO amazing. The “date” could NOT have gone any better. She and her husband are some of the greatest people we have met. They are people that we would want as friends in our life. She is exactly the type of woman I would trust carrying my child. It’s strange to say that after one “date,” but it’s how I feel. So many previous worries left my mind. The guys chatted tons too, which I loved. I think this is going to be the most incredible, magical, absurd chapter in our life, and the truth is, I cannot wait. I think the four of us will be a team that dominates infertility. I want to scream it on the rooftops… “I AM GOING TO BE A MOM!!!” We are getting that much closer to our sweet ending.

So here is where the whole guard thing comes up. We still have to go through medical and legal, which is a long game as well. This will take many more months, so hang tight. ! I am just praying everything goes smoothly. In the meantime, I am in the middle of IVF #5 (hormone central right here) and the thought of these eggs I’m cooking, may one day be in her as she cooks them into a real life baby, makes me smile, and keeps me going!! She is that piece to our puzzle, that we have been missing for so long. They are both the light to our darkness, our hope to so many of our fears. We are so excited, nervous, thankful, … I would say EVERY emotion possible to start this journey. Beyond thankful for the light in our world. It shines brighter than our pain.

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9 thoughts on “The Light of our Darkness

  1. Betsy

    This is beautiful Ashley…Surrogate ..You ..husbands..all shining lights! Sorry about your FIL..My Brilliant Grandfather had Alzheimer’s..a very cruel end to an incredible life..like your FIL.’s life.
    Keep the hope in your hearts.
    Betsy..Sister #3.. (the bossiness of us all!) 🐞❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Jenna

    Your blog just happened to come up when I Googled “Omaha Asherman’s specialist”. You’ll be in my prayers now and I can’t wait to hear how everything goes! Thank you for giving me perspective as I start my own journey with fertility problems. God is working thru you and I know he’s working FOR your good, as well!

    Like

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