I Failed Again

Yesterday I counted, and we have been trying for a baby for 1,187 days. That’s a lot of painful days. We are two days away from 2016, yet fighting the battle we began in 2012. I will say, 2015 was no where near as painful as 2014, and just for that, I am thankful. Looking back on 2015, here are some things I learned.

I learned that sometimes even the greatest doctor in the world cannot heal you. I’m still glad that we found CCRM, and sought out the best opinion in the country. But still, they couldn’t undo what has been done to my body. They couldn’t make things right. We can officially set aside every experimental option for thin lining, as i have now tried most of them. None worked, but at least we know.

I learned that I am stronger than I ever thought. I’m proud of myself for all that I have learned and the challenges I have faced. If you would have told me 1,187 days ago that the journey would have been this long, I would have gladly passed, but I am still standing tall. Probably taller than I was when this began. I have learned new terms and met many new people, but I am still me.

The girls that grew up with me, are truly some of the best girls in the world. They care and they hurt for me. Two of them became pregnant with their second babies this year. They struggled telling me, but they did tell me. They cried when telling me the news. It’s always a crazy awkward moment when this happens. It’s awkward for everyone; me and them. They’re scared to tell me because they want it for me so badly. They want me to join them in motherhood and share in their joys. Does it hurt a bit everytime? Sure it does! I’d be lying if I said it didn’t. That doesn’t mean that I’m not happy for them, it’s just to say that I really want that for us too. So many girls struggle with finding real, true, honest friends. I have the best ones in the world. I can promise you that.

Surrogacy is as intimidating as it sounds. This year, I have become more comfortable with talking about using a gestational carrier. It is such a mountain, i really don’t even know where to begin with this. I know I need to get more serious, as we do have it in our plans, should our current plans fail. I have read different blogs and even had a conference call with one lady from Pink and Blue agency in WI. She was fantastic! She did put many of my fears aside and explained to me many myths about gestational carriers. They are married women, who had easy pregnancies, are done having their own children and want to give something back to someone while making their financial situation a little better. She said most women will say that the best moment for them is the time they find out they are pregnant, and the moment they see the intended parents’ face as all of their dreams come true, and the baby is placed in their arms. I think we could be as involved as we wanted, and today’s technology will sure help the situation. We can face time during ultrasounds or whatever we choose. I could barely say the world “surrogate” last year, but it has become part of my vocabulary in my world of fertility. I’ve learned to keep in mind that I have one end goal- to be a mommy. If this is the way we will get there, then we will do it. We will try a few more times of IVF transfers on me, and if we continue to fail, we will move on to using a GC.

I can build a friendship without ever meeting someone. I have made a few friends this year that have really gotten me through my struggles. It sounds so crazy, but they have stuck by my side and kept up with all of my appointments. They get my pain and celebrate each success with me. These girls give me hope.

I am one of the luckiest girls in the world. Truly. I have the best husband ever, by a long shot. He has taken so much care of me, and stuck right by my side. Whether he is making me laugh, drying my tears, shooting me with a needle, or helping me “forget” my problems, this guy never lets me down. He’s so cute and has learned right next to me in this struggle. I could never do this with out him, and I thank God everyday for him. I have an amazing family, puppy, friends, job, house, neighbors….. I mean, the list could go on and on. Sometimes it’s so hard to focus on what you DON’T have, and lose sight of what you do have. I have definitely let things slip and had that happen to me. But with a little kick in the ass, I set myself straight! My life is pretty damn awesome. I am so blessed to have what i do have, and I will continue to fight for what I don’t have.

I am fairly certain, that we are closer to the end than the beginning. We have a pretty good plan, and I hope that in 2016 either I’m pregnant or we have chosen a gestational carrier to carry our child. I pray so much that this is our year. I feel silly even saying that, as I have said that the past three years. But, a girl’s gotta hope! I refuse to lose that. I will hope that 2016 is OUR YEAR! Cheers!!!