So far I have gotten awesome feedback from my blog! I have/had two main goals for this blog. First, I wanted a way to keep our friends and family informed of each step of the process. We have an army of support, so it seems easiest to keep it all on one forum. So many friends say they want to ask updates, but they’re afraid they could catch me on a bad day etc. So sweet.
My second reason was to spread word on surrogacy and infertility. I told Dave, if I could help just one person through this, I would smile. And, smile, I did! I have had several messages from other women in the same boat as I am. It has been so fun meeting others who know exactly how I feel. I have learned from them so much. On one hand, it makes me so sad that others can related, because I know that void in their hearts, but it is nice to know that we have each other. There is absolutely no way I would make it through this craziness without others who understand.
One of the biggest questions I have gotten is, “How did you ever accept this? How did you come to terms with using a surrogate?” The real honest truth is that, I haven’t 100% accepted the fact that I won’t ever carry a baby. That is a LOT to accept. I feel like it has been a grieving process through the years. I have taken more negative pregnancy tests than I would like to admit. And, every friggin time it kills me to see just ONE line. I stare so intently at those tests, and so many times, I swear I can see a line, and then back to reality. haha. Negative. It still hurts each time I get them. But the getting up has become easier. I guess, it shows that I have a little tiny ounce of hope in my heart. And, I like that. Because hope is really the best thing to keep anyone going.
Almost a year ago, after our first round of IVF, we started to learn that my uterine lining was never going to heal. It would never thicken. No matter what drugs they did. I mean, my gosh, I laid in a dang hyperbaric oxygen chamber for 11 straight days, thinking it would be our miracle ‘drug.’ That was so hurtful seeing that things were not improving. I cried and cried and cried. In the midst of a major freakout moment, a good friend of mine was honest with me. He helped me to see that I had become obsessed with ‘being pregnant’ and that I had forgotten my main goal, and that was to become a mom! How true! I let that soak in for a few months. I literally had every “due date” in America. Oh, this month it’s going to be positive because it’s my father in law’s birthday, Jen’s birthday, Christmas Day, Thursday etc.I couldn’t ever plan anything too far out, because, “I’ll probably be pregnant then.” I believed in superstitions, saw a psychic and held on to anything I could. I was trying to find my hope in all the wrong ways. In the midst of my obsession, I had taken my eye off the prize…. being a MOM! He reminded me that it really didn’t matter how I got there, but that if I wanted to get there badly enough, I could. There are options and mine became surrogacy and adoption. Either way would make me a mom.
Sometimes the brutal truth is what we need. I started to manage my fear by reminding myself that I would be a mom… NO matter which cards I was dealt. The healthy hope came back, and looking back, I can see the shift in my attitude on this. Am I still scared? Absofreakinglutely!!!! Is this the way I wanted my story to go? NO!!! But, I want to be a mom. I want to fill this quiet (haha yes, impossible to have quiet with Dave around, but you know what I mean) house with so much craziness and love. So, my choices were to step up to a brand new game or stay in the game that I continually was losing. From there, I threw myself into countless hours of research and a new obsession of surrogacy. It’s filled my heart with so many emotions, and it amazes me that there are women out there that are willing to give this to a stranger. This is one of the most beautiful things I could ever imagine, and I’m lucky to have this choice.
And so “hope” became my word. My everything to live by. It’s true that the only thing stronger than fear is hope, and we can choose either one. We can choose to sulk in our sorrows, cry over today, and fear tomorrow. Or, we can choose to trust in God, and hope for better days ahead. He does know what he is doing. I choose hope. And, I hope you do. too.