It’s crazy to me how fast this year has flown. September marks four year since we have been trying for our baby. I recently found the email that I sent my sister in September of 2012 saying that we were officially ready! Little did my sweet, innocent, unguarded heart, know the pain I would endure and the rollercoaster we would ride. Little did we know.

It honestly amazes me that it’s come to this. Well, maybe amazes isn’t even the right word. “Angers” maybe…or, “Frustrates.” I don’t even know the right word, but I wouldn’t wish this on my enemy. I know infertility is so common, and I wish I could take it away from anyone who is “infertile.” Definitely hate that word)

I try to remind myself daily how blessed we are and that God has to be using us for something. Our story has to mean something other than just plain heartache. I will say, I have changed drastically as a person since September 2012. I have been stripped to the core, punched to the ground and have cried thousands of tears. But, I have also stood up every damn time I was knocked down. Every time. 100%. How is that for a success rate? When I think of my success it feels more like zero, but then I remind myself of how far we have come.

I received a letter (yes, a real live hand written letter!!!) in the mail a few weeks ago. It came from an old neighbor of mine from my childhood. It has to have been 30 years since they lived across the street from us. Here’s the beginning of it.
“Dear Ashley,
I just found and read your amazing blog. Oh my goodness! I cannot believe how many struggles you have been through. But I am so inspired by you!! What a strong, young woman you are, with such deep faith. God is definitely up to something in your life! He knows he can use you for a very important purpose. I share your strong hope, that on this journey, you and Dave will be blessed with a baby.”

The letter went on and on. I could barely get through it and was so choked up. Tears streamed down my face. Someone who has only seen me once in the past 25-30 years took time to think of me, pray for me, and write me a letter. Wow!!! So heartwarming. And the word inspire… That has been my goal. I wanted to inspire someone, anyone. And so many of you, whether you know me personally or emailed me online, have used that same word. Inspire. Do you know the impact it has on someone when you tell them that you are truly inspired from them? I do. My heart could explode. If someone inspires you, you should tell them. Do it. And make their day.

Although most days I wish God had not picked me for this story, I know deep in my heart that he did choose me, and it has to be for some reason. A reason that we don’t understand right now. I wrack my brain on sleepless nights trying to figure out why. He chose me. He knew I could survive. But not without Dave and our amazing, supportive friends and family. It seems like everyone holds us up. This journey has shown me how many people we have that love us and want this for us just as badly. Thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my broken heart. Although my heart is broken, it’s strong and beyond thankful.

And speaking of thankful, we are officially moving forward with our sweet carrier, Amy. We still have mock cycles and legal fun, but we are getting closer. She’s already a rockstar for graciously stepping up to the plate and wanting to join our game. She is a saint. I have had so much fun getting to know her, and we text quite a bit. It’s crazy because all of the fears I first had when considering surrogacy, have seriously faded after knowing her. I used to worry about all the normal worries…. what if she doesn’t treat our baby like I would treat our baby?! But, knowing what I already know, she will. She’s a wonderful mom, and she knows way more than I know about pregnancy. It’s fun because I know the fertility and shots part, and she knows the other half! I think we will make a wonderful team on this journey to Baby Klein! Here is a picture of the four of us! Excited to keep moving forward!

Yesterday I had a pity party for one. The stress of last week was just too much. We had family in town, which was awesome, but the fertility side was a little brutal. I felt like we were pushed all over the place, filling out about a 100 pages of paperwork, planning out July for our next IVF and feeling like we were, once again, controlled by this process. I finally lost it yesterday, and spent most of the day crying and feeling sorry for myself. Sometimes, if I actually stop and think too much about our situation, I will cry. I think we all need those days. I am and always have been, a very positive person (thanks to my mama!!) Although our trials have seemed so big, I feel like I’m at a pretty good place mentally and emotionally right now, but geez, yesterday was brutal. No matter who you are, you are allowed to have those days. As long as you can get back up and appreciate what you have.

I had posted the following blog about a year and a half ago, on a fertility site I belong to. Last week, someone found this journal, and reached out to me, saying it’s exactly how she feels. Re-reading this reminded me of how far I/we have come. It hasn’t always been easy and it’s not easy today, either. But we are still moving forward, and that is what matters. If you had told me the day I wrote this journal, where I would be today, I probably would have just shriveled up and died. I am happy that I have taken it one day at a time, and somedays are so much easier than others. This gives you a glimpse of some of my hardest and most bitter days…..

“Can’t Buy Me Baby Love.

Whoever said money cant buy happiness, has clearly never done fertility. That’s what this crazy world has taught me. It’s like I am caught in this never ending game, and I just cannot win. Every single ounce of me is stretched so thin. Every piece of me has been fighting for too long. Life did teach me, that the harder you try, the more successful you can be. Wrong. Wrong again. I have never in my life tried so hard for something. Never. You would think my body and mind would get the drill and understand the game. But it doesn’t. Every single month, that unbearable stab of pain sneaks right into my bones again. It overtakes the whole me. The happy me disappears, and in comes this painful pit. That strong reminder that I cannot succeed. I’ve failed again. I’m a failure as a woman. And, I’m failing at the one thing I have wanted my whole life.

Even as a child, my life was babies. I loved my babies. I would rock them, feed them, dress them and love them. I was so happy as a little mommy. Looking back, perhaps that was the only time I’d get a chance to feel as if I were a mommy. That love was so strong, and I just couldn’t wait to grow up, and have a real baby of my own someday. That’s what a woman does. She becomes a mother. She gets to see her heart walking outside of her body, and love like never before. That’s why us women are here, right? That’s what I thought for 34 years.

The guilt that comes with this process is almost unbearable. How can I be so sad? Why am I so selfish? Why cant I be happy with my life? I hate the guilt. It makes me feel so selfish. I should appreciate what God has given me, but I want more. I want more so badly. Every inch of me wants more. I want to love so much it hurts. I want to see my heart outside my body. I want to make a difference in someone’s life, and be their everything. I want to give life. Is that too much to ask? I never thought it would be, but I’m finding it just may be.

Spring is here. Another season here, and another winter has gone. A time to start fresh. I used to believe that Spring would bring new life and happiness. I stopped believing that after being let down too many seasons. Tick. Tock. Will my season ever come?

I want to stop. I want to give up. I cannot play this game any longer. I don’t want another shot in my stomach or my ass. Talk about humiliating. I could scream if my husband has to pinch my stomach one more time, just to shoot me full of crazy hormones. I don’t want to have one more ultrasound where they tell me that once again my body has failed me, with no emotion. It’s so easy for them to just tell me the bad news. “Better luck next month, hon.” At what point do you stop believing in next month? How many damn months can I be the passenger on this train that keeps derailing? I feel like I’m in the midst of some cruel joke. Am I trying too hard for something I will never have? Should I give up? I cant. I just cant. Giving up would mean that I have accepted this shitty hand of cards. I wont. And, that is why I will keep trying. I want to rock my own baby to sleep at night. I want to be called mommy. I’d pay anything for my baby love. Is that too much to ask?”

My season has yet to come, but I still believe we are on the right path and our season WILL come, in time. 

So far I have gotten awesome feedback from my blog! I have/had two main goals for this blog. First, I wanted a way to keep our friends and family informed of each step of the process. We have an army of support, so it seems easiest to keep it all on one forum. So many friends say they want to ask updates, but they’re afraid they could catch me on a bad day etc. So sweet.

My second reason was to spread word on surrogacy and infertility. I told Dave, if I could help just one person through this, I would smile. And, smile, I did! I have had several messages from other women in the same boat as I am. It has been so fun meeting others who know exactly how I feel. I have learned from them so much. On one hand, it makes me so sad that others can related, because I know that void in their hearts, but it is nice to know that we have each other. There is absolutely no way I would make it through this craziness without others who understand.

One of the biggest questions I have gotten is, “How did you ever accept this? How did you come to terms with using a surrogate?” The real honest truth is that, I haven’t 100% accepted the fact that I won’t ever carry a baby. That is a LOT to accept. I feel like it has been a grieving process through the years. I have taken more negative pregnancy tests than I would like to admit. And, every friggin time it kills me to see just ONE line. I stare so intently at those tests, and so many times, I swear I can see a line, and then back to reality. haha. Negative. It still hurts each time I get them. But the getting up has become easier. I guess, it shows that I have a little tiny ounce of hope in my heart. And, I like that. Because hope is really the best thing to keep anyone going.

Almost a year ago, after our first round of IVF, we started to learn that my uterine lining was never going to heal. It would never thicken. No matter what drugs they did. I mean, my gosh, I laid in a dang hyperbaric oxygen chamber for 11 straight days, thinking it would be our miracle ‘drug.’ That was so hurtful seeing that things were not improving. I cried and cried and cried. In the midst of a major freakout moment, a good friend of mine was honest with me. He helped me to see that I had become obsessed with ‘being pregnant’ and that I had forgotten my main goal, and that was to become a mom! How true! I let that soak in for a few months. I literally had every “due date” in America. Oh, this month it’s going to be positive because it’s my father in law’s birthday, Jen’s birthday, Christmas Day, Thursday etc.I couldn’t ever plan anything too far out, because, “I’ll probably be pregnant then.” I believed in superstitions, saw a psychic and held on to anything I could. I was trying to find my hope in all the wrong ways. In the midst of my obsession, I had taken my eye off the prize…. being a MOM! He reminded me that it really didn’t matter how I got there, but that if I wanted to get there badly enough, I could. There are options and mine became surrogacy and adoption. Either way would make me a mom.

Sometimes the brutal truth is what we need. I started to manage my fear by reminding myself that I would be a mom… NO matter which cards I was dealt. The healthy hope came back, and looking back, I can see the shift in my attitude on this. Am I still scared? Absofreakinglutely!!!! Is this the way I wanted my story to go? NO!!! But, I want to be a mom. I want to fill this quiet (haha yes, impossible to have quiet with Dave around, but you know what I mean) house with so much craziness and love. So, my choices were to step up to a brand new game or stay in the game that I continually was losing. From there, I threw myself into countless hours of research and a new obsession of surrogacy. It’s filled my heart with so many emotions, and it amazes me that there are women out there that are willing to give this to a stranger. This is one of the most beautiful things I could ever imagine, and I’m lucky to have this choice.

And so “hope” became my word. My everything to live by. It’s true that the only thing stronger than fear is hope, and we can choose either one. We can choose to sulk in our sorrows, cry over today, and fear tomorrow. Or, we can choose to trust in God, and hope for better days ahead. He does know what he is doing. I choose hope. And, I hope you do. too.

 

I know several of you have been asking for updates, and I have been absolutely swamped with work and personal things, so just getting a chance to write this. We have some awesome updates for you all!

I didn’t speak much of our IVF cycle this past month, as it was an uphill battle. Good news is that we just found out that we did get one, PGS (genetically normal) embryo! Now we have two for our surrogate, and we will continue to make more for the future. We are so relieved and excited that we have a “little embryo that could.” It was miraculous that it made it through the hurdles, but we are so grateful, and happy, knowing that could be our baby! It’s a little human, and it’s gender is already known. How crazy is that?

We went to Madison, last week, and got to meet with the gals at our agency, The Surrogacy Center. WOW! They are absolutely amazing! Our day was long and a little intense, but they made it so much better with all of their energy. Mary, Lisa and Leanne are all just wonderful and extremely knowledgeable, and if you are looking for an agency, I highly recommend them (So far! 🙂 )

First, we met with the three of them, so they could get to know us better, in order to better match us with our gestational carrier. It was fun to hear successful stories of matches and surrogate stories! So fun! We went over our preferences etc…. which is really hard. Main thing is, we just want someone who is doing this for the right reasons, and I’m sure they are if they have made it through their process. We talked a little bit more about the plan of attack too. It’s quite a long process, but when you have already been at it for 3 1/2 years, another year doesn’t seem bad at all. In fact, the thought of having a baby in 2017 is so amazing! That is so soon! We also did a 4.5 hour psych evaluation. It was nice to be able to talk with the psychologist in more detail about the good, the bad, and the ugly. It also made me feel great knowing how well they screen their carriers. So, now we wait to be matched. We are praying this will happen soon, as we are so ready to move forward.

We also had a phone consultation yesterday with a dr in Chicago, where we will begin doing more IVF rounds. Yay for doctor #4! wowza! This will be easier for our gestational carrier, as she will be closer to this clinic. We are hoping to create more embryos there for future. We are so thankful that we finally have IVF insurance coverage, and don’t have to spend much (about $5k per cycle) for our rounds anymore! 🙂

Thanks for your prayers and thoughts the last few weeks. It was a big couple of weeks for us, and we appreciate all of you!

It’s really hard for me to write this post. I carry so much guilt around during this holiday. Mother’s Day isn’t about me, it’s about my mom, Rosemary. After all, she’s the one that raised me, dried my tears, celebrated my wins, loved me through those awkward years, like only a mother could. And she still loves me the same today. She’s the most optimistic person I know. She always sees the good in anything. Her heart breaks every single time that my heart breaks. She supports my decisions, never judges and prays daily for me. She will literally listen for hours if I want to analyze anything at all. Best of all, she is alive and healthy! I am so lucky that I get to talk with her nearly every day, and I get to celebrate MY mom today.

When my mom was my age, her mother had already passed away. She didn’t even get a chance to celebrate her mom on this holiday. And many women and, even young kids, don’t get to celebrate a mommy today either.

So why am I so sad? Why have I dreaded this day for weeks? Today I will endure my 4th childless Mother’s Day. And, the pain is unbearable. If you are childless, not by choice, you also know this pain. It’s embarrassing to admit, but it’s so real. I feel selfish. It’s the day that I feel like I need to hide inside, if not, everywhere I go, strangers will wish me, “Happy Mother’s Day,” with a smile. Those strangers have no idea how that phrase, said to me, is just plain painful. I feel so out of place on Mother’s Day. It’s just a huge celebration of something wonderful, but that ‘something wonderful’ happens to be the one thing I can’t and don’t have. I still feel like the crazy girl peeking inside the rest of your lives, and overflowing with uncontrollable jealousy. Over the past years, I’ve been left behind. Everyone else keeps hoping on that train, and I just seem to be stuck at the train station. I watch my friends ride the train of motherhood, and they keep adding more passengers. I want to add passengers too but can’t.

I’m over the fact of thinking, “Maybe this will be the last Mother’s Day without a baby.” After so many Christmases, Birthdays, Easters etc pass, you start losing hope.

So this weekend I will cling to my sisters of infertility. The ones that know exactly how my heart is aching. I wish, so badly, that they didn’t know the pain, but they’re really the only ones that know. The statistics are 1 in 8. If you are still longing to be a mommy, I pray for you daily. This is a part of life that doesn’t make sense. The fact so many women out there just cannot carry a baby to full term breaks my hear. But you are still a mommy. You really are. Our babies may be in Heaven, but that doesn’t mean we aren’t moms. Our babies were just too perfect for this earth. We will see them one day. And that will be the best Mother’s Day ever.

To you mothers out there. Happy Mother’s Day! May you get spoiled with so much love, and may you remember that those cheeks you get to kiss are such a miracle. I know your lives are crazy, stressful and chaotic, and I honestly can’t even imagine. I look up to my girlfriends, sisters, mom, mother in law, etc. May you know how special you are tomorrow, and always. Cheers to you!

And to the ones longing for a baby. You’re in my prayers. I am right there with you. Let’s hold each other up just like we always do. YOU are among the strongest women I know. You are loved beyond measure. And, I pray, that one day YOU will be another reason that this day is celebrated.

Here’s to every woman out there. You are strong and beautiful and making this world a better place.

 

Dave wrote a letter to our future child and framed it for our anniversary. He said I could share it on the blog:) I am so lucky to have his support.

April 28th, 2016
Dear first baby boy or girl of ours,

 if you are reading this with full comprehension and developed cognitive abilities, then you have to be minimally a teenager by now, or close to it.  I am writing a “blog post” for your mommy’s (or mom if you’re too cool for mommy) website…www.theborrowedbump.com….Check it out!  It’s all about you and the work your mommy did to bring you to us.  Yes, it does take 2 (you’ll learn more about that soon), but it really isn’t a fair distribution of responsibility.

I will get into the “work” (understatement of the decade) and much more in just a bit, but let’s preface this first installment from your daddy.  This is technically a 4-year anniversary gift to your mom. Yep, no jewelry or perfume or a much needed trip to Mexico, but instead a letter that will help our baby (you) understand, from your dad’s perspective, just how selfless, sacrificing and unduplicated your mom truly is.  I hope by now we have helped instill in you a sense of how important God is in your life.  If you ever had a doubt, just read this and take a look at your mom…people like her don’t just happen by accident.  You see, just like you, your mommy is one of those extremely rare and exceptional creations that God crafted for many purposes…creating YOU was one of these.

Let’s begin with how I met your mom, Ashley Jane Miller.  It was February of 2005 and a friend of mine from work told me she had a friend she went to college with that she wanted to try to set me up with.  I was happily obliging this “Group date”, as she called it, to happen.  Your mom didn’t share my same enthusiasm.  Your mom (now) is the most loving and friendliest person I know.  But, she had her guard way up!  She pretty much kept her back to me the entire night and I’m pretty sure she was still dating some other super lucky guy.  Well, the night waned on and by the end it was pretty obvious this wasn’t going to go anywhere…for now.

Fast-forward our lives 5.5 years, we have both toiled through tough relationships. Btw, all relationships have struggles…even the best.  When you’re with the right person though, you fight and work that much harder because it is worth it.  Both your mom and I are thankful (gulp) for these people because they helped bring us back to each other.
It was August 2010, and a completely different friend from my work place tells me she knows a girl that comes to her spin classes (these are probably an exercise of the past now) that she is just certain I am supposed to meet.  I told her, “Great, who is it?!”….”What?! Ashley Miller!?” I said back.  “You have to be kidding me.”  Yes, that’s right, God is either hard at work, or really just has a wicked sense of humor.  I accepted the former, and pursued your mom like it was my job.  Your mom still had the Great Wall of China built around her.  I accepted the challenge this time, laid my past and my faults out on a silver platter for her to see.  After a few months, your mom accepted that God was at work in “Our” life.  It truly is a story that not many have to share.  8 months after meeting again, April 23rd, 2011, I sent your mom on scavenger hunt through the moments of our lives we will share and ended at the altar of your mom’s hometown church in Kearney, NE. This was a Top 3 day. Marrying her and your birthday are the other two.

Let’s talk sacrifice and work.  This is one of my favorite poems that I came across years ago and I believe your mom’s will to have you is mirrored perfectly in this:

But to every mind there openeth,

A way, and way, and away,

A high soul climbs the highway,

And the low soul gropes the low,

And in between on the misty flats,

The rest drift to and fro.

But to every man there openeth,

A high way and a low,

And every mind decideth,

The way his soul shall go.

One ship sails East,

And another West,

By the self-same winds that blow,

‘Tis the set of the sails

And not the gales,

That tells the way we go.

Like the winds of the sea

Are the waves of time,

As we journey along through life,

‘Tis the set of the soul,

That determines the goal,

And not the calm or the strife.

-Ella Wheeler Wilcox
Let me begin this last section with explaining the massive difference that the effects of this grueling journey has on your mom and I. This can be hard to clarify in words because it sounds as though I don’t care as much as your mom.  We were both in this process together, but the massive brunt of it falls on the female.  The surgeries, the trials, the diets, the meds, the injections, the acupuncture, and most of all the feelings that a woman innately experiences when they slowly learn that their body cannot do what most other women can naturally do…produce and carry their own baby…all create an unfathomable burden and sadness on the female.  I mourned for her and us all along, but it was physically and emotionally impossible for me fully comprehend and experience all that she went through.

I’m your mom’s biggest fan.  Your mom is a fighter in all the best ways.  Stubborn as hell at times, but let’s focus on the multitude of the aforementioned best ways!:)  She got knocked down I don’t know how many times.  Too many to list, but between our disappointing miscarriage (this is your little ladybug sister) in the beginning of our fertility journey, to her diagnosis of Asherman’s syndrome (this caused her uterus to develop scar tissue and depleted uterine lining), to several failed IVF (Invitro Fertilization) attempts, to week-long hyperbaric oxygen therapy trials and many other disappointing Dr appointments.  Your mom and I, emphasis on your mom, got the sh*t beat out of her, for lack of better words.  Unfortunately, there was a recurring theme of that terrible feeling of ultimate disappointment and let downs that overshadowed so many of our days.  It was so hard because we are all taught in various ways in life that if you want and work for something bad and hard enough, you will get it.  Ultimately, yes, it all came to fruition with you!  I would watch your mom be crushed, beyond imagination at times, and continue to get up and keep up a fight to get to you.  She would take an ounce of hope and turn it into a ton of faith. Through a very selfless gestational carrier, we were blessed enough to be able to work with, we were finally able to bring you into the world!

The process of learning to let go and let God became the ultimate lesson for us to embrace.  Similar to how a blacksmith uses fire to temper steel, God used this journey to strengthen and temper our marriage.  For so many other unfortunate couples, they let it get the best of them and gave up.  Had we let ourselves go down that path, you wouldn’t be reading this now.  We love you more than words can say and we would do it all again…together…just to have you. We love you and I love you, Ashley Jane! Happy 4th anniversary!

All My Love,
Dad

Tomorrow we will start our 4th round of IVF. Invitro Fertilization, is where you are pumped with hormone shots, while your eggs grow in your ovaries, and once they are mature, the doctor surgically removes them, fertilizes them, and the embryologist watches them grow in their lab. Once they grow to 5 day blastocysts, we do genetic testing (they take a small biopsy from the embryo) and await to see how many embryos have the perfect number of chromosomes. It’s a super fun process. 😉

You may be confused or, maybe even be excited, thinking I still have a chance to get pregnant. Nope, that’s not why we are doing IVF. We will be doing many more rounds of IVF this year (watch out if you are around me, consider this your warning,) and banking embryos for our surrogate. We do have one frozen now, but we would like more ready to transfer to her, so we don’t have a long wait once we are matched. It’s pretty interesting as I am now being treated as an egg donor at my clinic. They have to screen me and make sure I am meeting FDA requirements since my eggs will be going into another woman.

One of my favorite things to do (this will show you that I’m crazy) right before my IVF cycle is to organize all of my drugs! I did that this morning, and it gives me such a sense of accomplishment. Weird, I know, but you would just have to be there. I’ll post a picture of my set up!

Right now, so many of you are asking what you can pray for. Please pray for our sweet surrogate. She may only be at the beginning of this road, and wondering what she is truly getting herself in to. I am sure it’s something she has thought of for a while, and maybe just recently made the leap, applying to our agency. I can’t imagine the scary feeling she must feel, wondering if she is doing the right thing. What a sweet soul she must be. I think of her non stop and wonder what she will be like. It’s seems like a long wait, but I’m so anxious to know more, and cannot wait until the day our agency shows us a match. She could be the turn of our story. I pray for her as she considers carrying a child for someone she has never met. It gives me chills just thinking of it. Please help me and put her in your thoughts. I am sure she can use them, whoever she may be. 🙂